A little Flashback.

A year ago today I went in for my 37 week check up. 

I found out I was 3 cm along and it didn't appear there was any sign of M&M making an appearance.  We also scheduled my induction for May 14th.  I remember sending a text to Mike that I was 3 cm dilated and that I had scheduled their eviction date.  His response was something to the effect of "Will you ever Un-dilate?" I was like ummm no. I laughed hysterically!  Mike made me laugh constantly.

I had no idea that night we were getting this rodeo started.  I woke up around 2 am in a ton of pain.  I thought it was just the way Michael was laying.  He had his way where he would turn diagonal and slide under his sister and push her up to make my belly deformed and it hurt so much. Then my lower back was hurting so bad.  I would walk back and forth to the bathroom and nothing was helping.  I tried an ice pack and that didn't help.  I was in tears and didn't know what to do.  I wasn't convinced it was contractions because I couldn't time them.  I had even downloaded a handy-dandy app on my phone that was supposed to tell me how far apart they were and it wasn't working!  Turns out my back labor was so intense that it was like one contraction after another.  Finally around midnight I got in a warm bath.  I slept in the tub for at least 2 hours.  I finally got up and was able to get comfortable in the glider and fell asleep.  I never moved when Mike got up from work and he apparently snapped this gem:

Quite possibly the worst picture taken of me.  But I like it so much because the memories are so real.  You can even tell the odd shape of my belly because of how M&M were laying.  But this was my last night as a married couple and family of 2.

I finally got up and took a shower around 7.  I was dressed, make up on, hair straightened, and everything before my grandma ever got to my house that morning.  I called the doctor at 8am as soon as they opened to figure out what to do next. I went to the doctor, was monitored for a little while and then they sent me on my way to the hospital.  We thought May 8th was going to be the day!!

I was in labor from around 2am on May 8th until my second one made his appearance 25 hours later on May 9th.  It was absolutely crazy!

Holidays are sneaky

Holidays sneak up on me every time.  I've been good.  Better than good.  Good enough the counselor told me I didn't have to come any more, haha.  But, no amount of preparation prepares you for holidays.  Holidays mean family time.  And my family is not complete anymore.

I've been preparing for Easter, getting stuff ready for the kiddos, looking for their Easter outfits for weeks, cleaning house, and making a menu.  I've been excited for family coming to town.  Excited that friends are coming.  I'm going to have a full house.  It's all good things. Reminiscing our memories of my Easter's as a child.  Planning out fun things for M&M to do on Easter as they get bigger.  Searching Pinterest for as many good ideas as I can find. 

Then today, EVERY where I went something reminded me of Mike.  Literally.  I felt like I couldn't catch a break.  I miss him so much.  But damn it, I'm tired of missing him.  I'm ANGRY at him.  He screwed up my life.  He screwed up his children's life.  He ruined our family.  We are suffering because he isn't here.  How is that fair? 

How is it possible to miss someone so incredibly much and be as angry with them as I am.  And how is it that I can be absolutely fine for days, weeks, and then in a day feel so incredibly overwhelmed with emotion all over again. Especially around holidays.  I just want to rejoice in the true meaning of Easter, celebrate Michael and Madison's very first Easter, enjoy all of the wonderful friends and family that I will be celebrating with.  But instead, my heart hurts tremendously today.

1 year ago

So, a year ago, around this time, I was on bed rest since my little prince and princess thought they were going to make an early appearance on March 26th.  I was looking at my old blog and found the letter I wrote to my sweet M&M before they arrived so I thought I would share.  It made me reminiscence a little about the days prior to their arrival.  A lot of the things I wrote then, I still feel now.  Even more funny is the descriptions I gave wondering who they would be like... I described both Madison and Michael to a T and I didn't even know.  The letter said:

Dear Michael and Madison,

This is your mommy.  It’s April 11, 2013, and your daddy and I are so close to meeting you and I can’t stop thinking about it.  We have waited a very, very long time to have you.  For two years we wondered if we would ever have children.   From the moment we found out that God had blessed us with not one, but TWO of you, we have dreamt of meeting you, hearing you say “mommy” and “daddy”, holding you, loving you, and spending our lives taking care of you both.  In a few short weeks (or could even be days!) we will finally get to hold you in our arms.  We want you to know how much we already love you and how excited we are to meeting you both.  We have so many friends and family members that are just as excited for your arrival.  We have been blessed with an overwhelming amount of love and support in anticipation of your arrival.  

You two scared me two weeks ago when I thought you were coming early at 31 weeks.  I was scared something would happen to you, that you would come out and be sick, and scared because I wasn’t prepared for you to come so soon.  In reality, this is the first time you scared me, but I’m sure it won’t be the last.  

I wonder if you will be dare devils, adventurous, and   I would say that makes you like your daddy.  Or maybe you will be more like me- cautious, conservative, and shy.  Or maybe you will be a strong mixture of both your daddy and I.  

I can’t wait to see your daddy hold you.  I’ve watched him hold our friend’s children and your cousins and can’t help but be in awe.  I’m so glad that I will have him by my side as we raise you.  I knew when I married him that he would make the best dad some day.  I’m so thankful he will have that opportunity now.  He will make you laugh like no one else and go out of his way to make sure you aren’t hurt or sad. 

I want the world for you and will do everything in my power to make sure you have it.  I hope you will always strive to be your best but will know it is ok to fail sometimes.  I hope you will always live your life with God in your heart and as your savior.  I hope you will work hard in school, make good grades, and strive for high achievements in your life.  I hope you will always trust your dad and I and will always come to us when something is wrong, you did something wrong, when you are scared, or when you are feeling down, or just when you need to talk.  I hope you always love each other, are always there for each other, and never turn your backs on each other.  

All of that to say I know one thing is for sure.  We will always love you more than life itself; will always be your #1 fan, and will always be your biggest supporter. 

I love you so much already Michael Kaden and Madison Grace and I already know that your birth day is going to be the best day of my entire life and I CANNOT wait to meet you both!

Bluebonnet pictures

We live in Texas, so of course the traditional bluebonnet pictures are a must!  We, however, were incredibly lucky enough that we had someone coming to take ours. We took pictures yesterday by the amazingly talented Lyndsay of Life in Motion Photography.  She sent me a sneak peak of one of the pictures:

This picture is AMAZING.  I love it so, so, so much.  What's even more interesting about this picture is that there is so much more that went on regarding this picture.  M&M hated the blue bonnets.  HATED. When we walked in to the field they couldn't keep their eyes off of them.  Not but a few seconds after being in them, they were done.  They wanted no part in sitting in bluebonnets, on a blanket, nothing. I held them, bribed them with puffs.  They did what they wanted and sitting in bluebonnets was not it!  I can't wait to see the rest of the pictures!!

The other part of this picture, is you can't tell I'm trying to hold back tears.  I cried when I saw this picture for so many reasons.  I feel like their personalities are captured so well.  Madison has that great big happy grin on her face and Michael looks mischievous like he is about to get in to something, all while both are attached to their mama.  This is how we spend a lot of our time.  Me on the floor, them climbing all over me. 

But then, You're supposed to take family pictures as a family.  Except there is an incredibly big hole in our family. I waited so long to be able to take family pictures and couldn't wait to be able to send out Christmas cards with gorgeous photographer- taken pictures.  I just really, really miss Mike.  I might be doing ok, functioning well at work, can take care of my children, even go out with friends and have a good time.  But.  At the end of the day.  I would give up everything for Mike to walk through that door again to be with Madison, Michael, and I.  I'm so sad M&M had to learn at such a young age that life is just not fair. 

11 months old

When I write out how old Michael and Madison are, it overwhelms me.  Where did my itty bitty 6 and 7 lb babies go??  In less than a month they will be a year old and I don't even know what to think. Tears.  That's what I predict.  haha. 

My sweet little bunnies are about to celebrate their first Easter.  So, in honor of that, I present their 11 month old pictures!! (I'm sure M&M are going to hate these when they are teenagers!)

 

My big boy is in to everything.  He walks everywhere, even runs at times.  He has started "talking" a lot more and I love his jibberish.  He says 'mama', 'dada', 'eat', 'get you', and 'sissy' pretty clear.  He also has started dancing.  When he shakes his butt it makes me just bust out giggling.  I love it!  It's even cuter when he is rolled over on his belly with his butt in the air, hands tucked underneath him, and he shakes his butt to get comfy and go to sleep.  On a negative note, temper tantrums have already began.  He hates being told no and will throw himself on the ground in protest.  Not fun!!  But.. He's absolutely precious.  I love his personality, even his feistyness, and just what a happy baby he is. 

 

Madison is so funny.  She has started this new laugh and I can't wait to catch it on camera.  She's happy more than fussy.  She has a huge smile.  She isn't walking yet but she really, really wants to!  She can walk using her toys or holding on to something but won't step off.  When you hold her by the hands she gets really excited and doesn't want to let go.  It makes me laugh!  She says 'mama', 'dada', and 'bubba' pretty clearly.  She has started pulling up to stand up in her crib...however... she can't figure out how to get down.  It's hard to watch her struggling and not go in there.  She always figures it out there.  Today, she started giving kisses.  I tell her to 'give me kisses' and she comes at me with that big wide open mouth.  It is sooo cute!

These two are the absolute loves of my life.  I feel like they've been really screwed in life losing their dad and it makes me so incredibly angry.  It's just not fair.  And I miss not having him here to share these moments with. 

5 Years

Today is supposed to be my 5th wedding anniversary with Mike.  5 years ago today I was probably the calmest I have ever been in my life.  I just knew everything was going to go right.  I knew that my handsome prince charming was going to be waiting for me at the end of the aisle and we were going to live happily ever after. I was THAT little girl.  The one that dreamed about her wedding day.  Envisioned every detail.  Planned everything to a T.

Then right before I walked down the aisle, I started to have a panic attack.  Both my dads told me they would carry me out and it was too late for me to freak out.  

We read our vows.  Oh... our vows.  I had no idea how hard marriage was.  I had no idea that in our first year of marriage we would test "in sickness and in health" when Mike had open heart surgery the month before our first anniversary.  I had no idea that no matter how much you love someone, there will still be an "or worse" part of your marriage and how hard that is when you are going through it..  But most importantly, I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that I would be here, now, at 28, and already experienced the "til death do us part" portion of my vows.  I stood there on that day and had hopes, dreams, and a vision for our future.  It included having babies, growing old together, spending the rest of our lives together, and dying at an old, old age as grandparents.  How am I supposed to have my 5th wedding anniversary and already experienced "til death do us part".  We were supposed to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary!!  We are soo far from that.    There are NO words to describe how I feel today.

I still remember so many details of our wedding, even 5 years later.  I remember our first kiss as husband and wife. I remember how giddy I felt.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  It felt like we had just met! And to walk down the aisle with him.. he was MY husband.  MINE.  I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with him!  I felt like the luckiest girl in the world!

Our day was everything I ever imagined it would be and more.  We were SO HAPPY.  Nothing else compares.

Four and a half years wasn't enough.  It was NOT enough.  In the eight years we were together we had some really, really bad times.  But in 8 years.. we had more really, REALLY good times and the good FAR outweighed the bad.  I made some pretty incredible friends because of Mike.  I found my church family because of Mike.  I have a beautiful home because of Mike.  I am still in and have a good job because Mike believed in me, pushed me to work hard, and supported me when he didn't have to.  Mike made me laugh like no one else could.  He made me want to be a better person.

I miss his laugh.  I miss him picking on me.  I miss hearing him call me his Bride, even years after we got married. I miss his incredibly long arms sneaking up behind me and holding me so tight I can't move.  I miss going to the grocery store and him trying to sneak in Little Debbie's snacks. in my grocery cart.  I miss someone checking in on me all day asking me how my day is and the random "I love you" text messages.  I miss the random "I love you" messages I found all over my house or the sweet little gifts he would get just to let me know he was thinking about me or even him just walking in the door with a sweet tea because he knew how much I loved it. I miss having to pick up his clothes all over the house because he took them off every where and they never ended up in the clothes basket!  Ok... maybe I don't miss that, but I miss picking on him about it!  I miss just hearing his voice.  I miss watching him with the kids.  I miss watching him smile when they did something cute and I wish more than anything that I could have seen his face the first time his children said 'dada'.  Oh gosh, I really wish I could've seen it.  I imagine it would have been as exciting as his face when Madison took his credit card from him and wouldn't give it back:

Michael Edward Shaw- I love you so incredibly much.  I always have and I always will.  The last 6 months have been so far from the life I dreamed of that I can't even put it in to words.  I didn't know what love was until I met you.  Thank you for choosing me to be your wife.  For choosing me to be the person you would literally spend the rest of your life with.  For choosing me to be the mother of your children and blessing me with two gorgeous children that remind me so much of you.  Thank you for choosing, in some of the most difficult situations, to choose joy.  For showing me how to live life to the fullest despite being in constant pain. I am eternally grateful for you.  I love and miss you more than any words I could write.  Happy 5th Anniversary baby. I love you.

10 Months!

My sweet babies turned 10 months old on March 10th and they celebrated their first St. Patrick's day!  They get more and more adorable by the day.  Watching them explore and learn new things is quite frankly the highlight of all of my life.  I think it's safe to say that the two of them are my greatest accomplishment.  I'm so blessed to be their mom.

This month my Miss Madison is really starting to get around.  She doesn't crawl a 'normal' crawl but nothing stops her.  If she wants something she goes for it.  She will keep head butting something until she figures out how to get her hands out to start pulling up.  She has starting pulling up on things and can get up on her knees but not quite on her feet yet.  When she is standing, holding something, if she goes to fall, she falls straight back like a board.  It doesn't matter if you catch her or not, that completely breaks her heart!  She has this super sad cry like her feelings are hurt that she fell down.  I know it shouldn't be cute when your kid cries, but I can't help but giggle.  She's absolutely precious!!

 

Michael continues to get in to every.thing.  He is everywhere at all times.  He can beat you to any room in the house, especially if you blink for even a half of a second.  Still isn't completely walking on his own but he will take a few steps and sit down.  It's like he knows what he is doing, gets scared, and immediately sits on his butt.  He can climb on everything.  The other day he climbed on top of his activity table for no good reason.  He has also pushed a box over tot he catch in an effort to climb on the couch.  My mom makes a joke that if I can't find him then look on the roof.  That's no joke.  He is a busy, very determined, strong willed little boy and I LOVE it. 

Together, they are priceless.  They hold each other's hands, hug each other, go towards one another when one is crying, immediately look for their sibling when waking up from a nap/bedtime.  They ADORE each other.  I love the strong bond they already have with each other.  I can only hope they will continue a close relationship for the rest of their lives.  

I thank God every day that these two are taken care of and that I was chosen to be their mom.  They give me something to live for, something worth fighting for.  I can't give up, I can't just stop functioning, I can't just lock myself in my room and hide and not face reality because I have them. And they need me.  I love being their mom.