A Year in Review

Anyone that has known Mike and I has known that he was always the technological one.  He could build computers from the ground up.  He knew how to fix anything on the computer, TV, radio, you name it, he could fix it.  The one thing he taught me was that you can google for just about anything and find out how to fix it.  So, with the few skills he taught me, I figured out how to make a slide show all by myself.  I think he would be proud of what I did.  So, without further adieu, a slide show of my sweet Michael and Madison's first year of life....

Happy Birthday Michael and Madison!!

Be prepared; this is a long post!  I can NOT believe it.  Can Not.  How is it that my babies are already a year old??  I anticipate today will bring a lot of tears.  It's so shocking to me that they are a year old.  It feels like just yesterday I was in labor at 37 weeks.

I went in to labor something fierce the day before they made their appearance.  I remember doubting Mike.  I remember thinking no way he could coach me through contractions.  No way he could stand in the room with me with his awful gag reflux.  No way would he be anywhere near these babies coming out.  And I was terrified he was going to pass out and end up in the ER and I would be by myself.  But you know what?  He was a ROCK STAR!  He sat by me.  He held my hands.   He talked to me.  He of course made jokes.  He encouraged me.  He cheered me on.  He repeatedly told me how much he loved and appreciated me.  It was absolutely the best day of my life.  I was a mom.  I had a FAMILY.  I felt complete. My heart might as well have burst out of my chest with the overwhelming love I found for my husband that night.  I don't know if I ever got to tell him that.  I wish he knew that and I wish I had told him that.

I don't know where the last year has went.  Most of this year was Hard.  Hard beyond hard beyond hard.  There's been minimal sleep, lots of tears, lots of frustration, and lots of really hard times.  For me, today is not just about their birthday but about survival for me.  I somehow survived this year.  Months (literally) of no sleeping, hard times with my marriage, the death of my husband, and somehow still finding the strength to at least be a minimally decent mother at times.  I wish you were here to celebrate with me Mike.  I think you would be a very proud daddy today.

Michael and Madison- today is all about you.  I love you more than you will ever, ever know.  I will always be your number one cheerleader.  Happy Birthday loves. 

May 9, 2013 at 12:53am I welcomed Madison Grace in to the world.  Two hours later at 2:58am I welcomed my sweet boy, Michael Kaden in to this world.

2 weeks old

One Month Old

Two Months Old

3 Months Old

4 months

5 months old

6 months

7 months

8 months

9 months

10 months

11 months

Happy birthday my sweet, sweet, babies.  I can confidently say that after all I have been through in this last year, I would not be here right now if it was not for you.  You have made my life so full in some of the most empty moments.  I don't think I'll ever be able to explain how thankful I am that God chose ME to be your mom.  I love you both.  

A little Flashback.

A year ago today I went in for my 37 week check up. 

I found out I was 3 cm along and it didn't appear there was any sign of M&M making an appearance.  We also scheduled my induction for May 14th.  I remember sending a text to Mike that I was 3 cm dilated and that I had scheduled their eviction date.  His response was something to the effect of "Will you ever Un-dilate?" I was like ummm no. I laughed hysterically!  Mike made me laugh constantly.

I had no idea that night we were getting this rodeo started.  I woke up around 2 am in a ton of pain.  I thought it was just the way Michael was laying.  He had his way where he would turn diagonal and slide under his sister and push her up to make my belly deformed and it hurt so much. Then my lower back was hurting so bad.  I would walk back and forth to the bathroom and nothing was helping.  I tried an ice pack and that didn't help.  I was in tears and didn't know what to do.  I wasn't convinced it was contractions because I couldn't time them.  I had even downloaded a handy-dandy app on my phone that was supposed to tell me how far apart they were and it wasn't working!  Turns out my back labor was so intense that it was like one contraction after another.  Finally around midnight I got in a warm bath.  I slept in the tub for at least 2 hours.  I finally got up and was able to get comfortable in the glider and fell asleep.  I never moved when Mike got up from work and he apparently snapped this gem:

Quite possibly the worst picture taken of me.  But I like it so much because the memories are so real.  You can even tell the odd shape of my belly because of how M&M were laying.  But this was my last night as a married couple and family of 2.

I finally got up and took a shower around 7.  I was dressed, make up on, hair straightened, and everything before my grandma ever got to my house that morning.  I called the doctor at 8am as soon as they opened to figure out what to do next. I went to the doctor, was monitored for a little while and then they sent me on my way to the hospital.  We thought May 8th was going to be the day!!

I was in labor from around 2am on May 8th until my second one made his appearance 25 hours later on May 9th.  It was absolutely crazy!

Holidays are sneaky

Holidays sneak up on me every time.  I've been good.  Better than good.  Good enough the counselor told me I didn't have to come any more, haha.  But, no amount of preparation prepares you for holidays.  Holidays mean family time.  And my family is not complete anymore.

I've been preparing for Easter, getting stuff ready for the kiddos, looking for their Easter outfits for weeks, cleaning house, and making a menu.  I've been excited for family coming to town.  Excited that friends are coming.  I'm going to have a full house.  It's all good things. Reminiscing our memories of my Easter's as a child.  Planning out fun things for M&M to do on Easter as they get bigger.  Searching Pinterest for as many good ideas as I can find. 

Then today, EVERY where I went something reminded me of Mike.  Literally.  I felt like I couldn't catch a break.  I miss him so much.  But damn it, I'm tired of missing him.  I'm ANGRY at him.  He screwed up my life.  He screwed up his children's life.  He ruined our family.  We are suffering because he isn't here.  How is that fair? 

How is it possible to miss someone so incredibly much and be as angry with them as I am.  And how is it that I can be absolutely fine for days, weeks, and then in a day feel so incredibly overwhelmed with emotion all over again. Especially around holidays.  I just want to rejoice in the true meaning of Easter, celebrate Michael and Madison's very first Easter, enjoy all of the wonderful friends and family that I will be celebrating with.  But instead, my heart hurts tremendously today.

1 year ago

So, a year ago, around this time, I was on bed rest since my little prince and princess thought they were going to make an early appearance on March 26th.  I was looking at my old blog and found the letter I wrote to my sweet M&M before they arrived so I thought I would share.  It made me reminiscence a little about the days prior to their arrival.  A lot of the things I wrote then, I still feel now.  Even more funny is the descriptions I gave wondering who they would be like... I described both Madison and Michael to a T and I didn't even know.  The letter said:

Dear Michael and Madison,

This is your mommy.  It’s April 11, 2013, and your daddy and I are so close to meeting you and I can’t stop thinking about it.  We have waited a very, very long time to have you.  For two years we wondered if we would ever have children.   From the moment we found out that God had blessed us with not one, but TWO of you, we have dreamt of meeting you, hearing you say “mommy” and “daddy”, holding you, loving you, and spending our lives taking care of you both.  In a few short weeks (or could even be days!) we will finally get to hold you in our arms.  We want you to know how much we already love you and how excited we are to meeting you both.  We have so many friends and family members that are just as excited for your arrival.  We have been blessed with an overwhelming amount of love and support in anticipation of your arrival.  

You two scared me two weeks ago when I thought you were coming early at 31 weeks.  I was scared something would happen to you, that you would come out and be sick, and scared because I wasn’t prepared for you to come so soon.  In reality, this is the first time you scared me, but I’m sure it won’t be the last.  

I wonder if you will be dare devils, adventurous, and   I would say that makes you like your daddy.  Or maybe you will be more like me- cautious, conservative, and shy.  Or maybe you will be a strong mixture of both your daddy and I.  

I can’t wait to see your daddy hold you.  I’ve watched him hold our friend’s children and your cousins and can’t help but be in awe.  I’m so glad that I will have him by my side as we raise you.  I knew when I married him that he would make the best dad some day.  I’m so thankful he will have that opportunity now.  He will make you laugh like no one else and go out of his way to make sure you aren’t hurt or sad. 

I want the world for you and will do everything in my power to make sure you have it.  I hope you will always strive to be your best but will know it is ok to fail sometimes.  I hope you will always live your life with God in your heart and as your savior.  I hope you will work hard in school, make good grades, and strive for high achievements in your life.  I hope you will always trust your dad and I and will always come to us when something is wrong, you did something wrong, when you are scared, or when you are feeling down, or just when you need to talk.  I hope you always love each other, are always there for each other, and never turn your backs on each other.  

All of that to say I know one thing is for sure.  We will always love you more than life itself; will always be your #1 fan, and will always be your biggest supporter. 

I love you so much already Michael Kaden and Madison Grace and I already know that your birth day is going to be the best day of my entire life and I CANNOT wait to meet you both!

Bluebonnet pictures

We live in Texas, so of course the traditional bluebonnet pictures are a must!  We, however, were incredibly lucky enough that we had someone coming to take ours. We took pictures yesterday by the amazingly talented Lyndsay of Life in Motion Photography.  She sent me a sneak peak of one of the pictures:

This picture is AMAZING.  I love it so, so, so much.  What's even more interesting about this picture is that there is so much more that went on regarding this picture.  M&M hated the blue bonnets.  HATED. When we walked in to the field they couldn't keep their eyes off of them.  Not but a few seconds after being in them, they were done.  They wanted no part in sitting in bluebonnets, on a blanket, nothing. I held them, bribed them with puffs.  They did what they wanted and sitting in bluebonnets was not it!  I can't wait to see the rest of the pictures!!

The other part of this picture, is you can't tell I'm trying to hold back tears.  I cried when I saw this picture for so many reasons.  I feel like their personalities are captured so well.  Madison has that great big happy grin on her face and Michael looks mischievous like he is about to get in to something, all while both are attached to their mama.  This is how we spend a lot of our time.  Me on the floor, them climbing all over me. 

But then, You're supposed to take family pictures as a family.  Except there is an incredibly big hole in our family. I waited so long to be able to take family pictures and couldn't wait to be able to send out Christmas cards with gorgeous photographer- taken pictures.  I just really, really miss Mike.  I might be doing ok, functioning well at work, can take care of my children, even go out with friends and have a good time.  But.  At the end of the day.  I would give up everything for Mike to walk through that door again to be with Madison, Michael, and I.  I'm so sad M&M had to learn at such a young age that life is just not fair. 

11 months old

When I write out how old Michael and Madison are, it overwhelms me.  Where did my itty bitty 6 and 7 lb babies go??  In less than a month they will be a year old and I don't even know what to think. Tears.  That's what I predict.  haha. 

My sweet little bunnies are about to celebrate their first Easter.  So, in honor of that, I present their 11 month old pictures!! (I'm sure M&M are going to hate these when they are teenagers!)

 

My big boy is in to everything.  He walks everywhere, even runs at times.  He has started "talking" a lot more and I love his jibberish.  He says 'mama', 'dada', 'eat', 'get you', and 'sissy' pretty clear.  He also has started dancing.  When he shakes his butt it makes me just bust out giggling.  I love it!  It's even cuter when he is rolled over on his belly with his butt in the air, hands tucked underneath him, and he shakes his butt to get comfy and go to sleep.  On a negative note, temper tantrums have already began.  He hates being told no and will throw himself on the ground in protest.  Not fun!!  But.. He's absolutely precious.  I love his personality, even his feistyness, and just what a happy baby he is. 

 

Madison is so funny.  She has started this new laugh and I can't wait to catch it on camera.  She's happy more than fussy.  She has a huge smile.  She isn't walking yet but she really, really wants to!  She can walk using her toys or holding on to something but won't step off.  When you hold her by the hands she gets really excited and doesn't want to let go.  It makes me laugh!  She says 'mama', 'dada', and 'bubba' pretty clearly.  She has started pulling up to stand up in her crib...however... she can't figure out how to get down.  It's hard to watch her struggling and not go in there.  She always figures it out there.  Today, she started giving kisses.  I tell her to 'give me kisses' and she comes at me with that big wide open mouth.  It is sooo cute!

These two are the absolute loves of my life.  I feel like they've been really screwed in life losing their dad and it makes me so incredibly angry.  It's just not fair.  And I miss not having him here to share these moments with.