In these moments, 6 years ago, the love of my life would WALK out my front door and I would never, ever see him alive again. In just a few hours, just after midnight, he would be gone. I can't believe it's been 6 years. I can't believe that 6 years later, this day still sucks all of the air out of my lungs and makes it hard for me to breathe. The trauma from that day continue to still be rooted deep in my soul and I relive every single detail.
He has missed so much. I watched our son play at his very first soccer game this weekend and just watching the way he ran looked just like his daddy. Not to mention, Michael did AMAZING! And Mike missed it. Our daughter is on a cheerleading team for all abilities and she is so in her element. A place she can be herself and no one cares. And Mike is missing it. Our kids just started 1st grade. Michael is so smart and creative and innovative and is going to do so well in school. Madison has an amazing teacher that seems to be just what she needed (what we both needed) and she is showing that her limits are unlimited. And Mike is missing it. This year alone he missed our nephew being born and his brother getting married. Mike is missing everything.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. He died and the world around me kept going. People moved on, people found new friends, people forgot about us and how hurt we are, people stopped mentioning his name. But for me, I have to live and breathe his life every single day because of the two little people in my house that call me Mommy. I can't just forget about him and stop mentioning his name. I will always hurt because he took a piece of my heart with him that day and I can never get it back. I have so many questions I will never get to ask. Life moves on and time stands still all at the same time.
I loved Mike from the bottom of my heart and soul and miss him terribly. I'm so sad my children will never know what a funny, loving, entertaining, and warm person their daddy was. I'm sad and angry that the only version of "daddy" they know is through pictures and stuffed animals. They deserve so much more and I feel like I'm failing them and will never be able to give them all they deserve. I do the best that I can.
So, on this day, I will be sad and angry and filled with grief from the heartbreak of losing my husband. And Tuesday, I will get up and carry on and do the best I can with the life I've been given with a continued huge hole in my heart that Mike left. Tell your spouse you love them, don't fight over stupid stuff, and never waste a single minute letting them know how important they are to you. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
