Every year this week hits me like a wrecking ball. I can feel it coming a mile away. I can make myself abundantly busy, overwhelm myself with other things, do my best to ignore it, pretend that I’m ridiculously happy, and yet, still, in these moments, that night plays on repeat over and over in my mind. What went wrong? How did we go from me falling asleep on his chest to absolute turmoil to watching a doctor on top of him doing CPR?! It all happened so, so quickly, yet, 7 years later I can still recall every. single. detail. Everyone else's life moved on like they just ran over a curb. Mine? It just stood still.
Losing Mike has brought so much heartache and pain to my life that doesn’t ever seem to go away. I guess it’s gotten better with time, but the type of pain and the type of hard just changes. This year, that’s been watching the pain of my children. Part of me thought that because they were only 4 months old, I wouldn’t really ever have to deal with their grief. Boy was I wrong. Madison’s heart has HURT this year. You never see it coming and then she says “I miss my daddy”. Talk about a dagger in your chest. She asks about him constantly. Asks about us being married. Wants to know what he watched on tv. If he’s still in heaven. If she will see him one day in heaven. If he’s taking care of our dogs that have passed away. If he loves her. MY BABY ASKS ME IF HER DADDY LOVES HER. Nothing makes me want to break glass more than that. Watching my daughter hurt and long for that father relationship eats me alive and causes nightmares. Literally.
Michael is more subtle. He used to talk about him via dreams he had. It’s gotten less and less as he’s got older. But, last year, on a school field trip I was chaperoning, one of Michael’s friends was sitting in the chair across from me and he asked me about Michael’s daddy and if he was in heaven. In that moment, I realized Michael had talked about him at school and how hard that must have been to say. I sat with tears in my eyes after that. Then, a few months ago, completely at random, from the back seat of the car, Michael asked me HOW his daddy died. Most people don’t realize how complicated this answer is. My short answer is always his heart stopped. But, when you have a 7 year old kid with a heart condition, telling him his daddy died from a heart issue, probably isn’t the wisest route to go. I kept it short and simple and he didn’t ask any follow up questions. Yet. (THANK YOU LORD!!)
When we found out we were pregnant with M&M we talked about our 5 year plan and decided that when M&M turned 5 we would talk about trying to have another baby. That was 2 years ago. I don’t think I want any more kids but the fact that the choice has practically been made for me crushes me. But, not only that, for years, everyone (and I mean everyone) says,
“Oh, but you’re young! You’ll find love again!”
“There’s still time to find someone else”
“You’re young, you’ll remarry!”
But, 7 years later, this is our life and there is no one else. And unless I’m looking for a one night stand, someone not wanting a relationship there’s not been any other options. Besides the complete hit to my confidence since Mike died, I think I’m most sad that M&M have no one. No one lining up at the door to do Donuts with dad, or daddy daughter dances, or take Michael fishing that he so desperately wants to do, or play video games with him. There’s no one and it makes me feel like I’m failing them.
I worry every day that I’m not good enough for M&M. How I will do it all. How I’m going to keep being so spread thin and managing it all. I pray often for just a break. Nothing has ever been easy, but if we could just get a reprieve from the pain, that would be great.
September 30, 2013 will forever be the absolute worst day of my life. The day I lost the love of my life. The day my children lost their daddy. The day I lost my sense of security. The day I lost my confidence. The day my entire world changed and I became someone completely different.
Mike Shaw.... I love you more than you ever knew on this side of Earth. I would give anything for just one more hour with you, one more hug, and one more kiss. If I had known then that when you walked out that door that it would have been the last time, I would have hugged you longer and kissed you harder. You made me laugh and enjoy life so much more and I will miss you for all of eternity. I love you more than the world.
