When we got to the hospital, they wouldn't let me back there. My heart started racing. A few minutes later they took us back, but they led us to a family room and made us sit. Then she came in and said he was really, really sick but the doctor was doing all he could. My chest tightened so tight but still, I never thought he was dying.
Then, she came back and said that maybe if he heard us he would fight so she took us to him. Fight? What did she mean? I was so confused. Then we walked in to a doctor practically on top of him doing CPR. I just screamed. I couldn't breathe. The social worker eventually led me out but his parents stayed. When they came back and got me, I STILL didn't think he was gone. They didn't say anything to me, they just led me to him. I sat down next to him and then they started turning off all the machines.
Before those moments, I had never in my life wished I was dead. But, that day, I wished I was dead. I begged God to take me and not him. I begged God to give him back. I begged God to not take away my 4 month old babies' daddy. I begged God to please not do this to me. God didn't listen.
I have never been to a funeral with as many people as were present at my husband's. I remember Pastor Tim grabbing me by the arm as we were about to walk in. I walked in, in front of literally hundreds of people. He told me prior that it would be overwhelming. I'm certain I held my breath from the door to my seat because I don't remember breathing. Despite feeling completely and utterly broken, I still remember feeling loved with so many people there.
When someone dies, people come in groves. Then a month goes by, then a year, 3 years, 5 years, and all those people that said they would always be there disappear. I'm sad for M&M. I'm sad for the lack of understanding for two kids that lost their daddy. I'm sad that the only daddy they know is in heaven. I'm sad every time my son asks if his daddy loves him and why did his daddy have to go to heaven. I'm sad every time my son asks if his daddy will be waiting for him when he gets to heaven. I'm sad when the school sends home stupid "dad related" events and my kids have no one to fill that void so they miss out. I'm sad that people could care less and feel like that's just life. I'm sad that THAT is my kids' life. I'm sad that people said they would be around to tell my kids stories about their daddy so they would always know him but that those people don't come around anymore and my kids have no idea who they are. I'm sad that losing him meant I lost literally EVERYTHING and everyone around me just keeps moving forward and doesn't even notice.
Today hurts in a way that I didn't think it would. I feel alone in a way I've never felt before and I'm exhausted. I'm angry at Mike for leaving me but miss him so bad it hurts at the same time. There's no words to describe what it feels like to become a widow at 27 years old with 4 month old twins. There's no words to describe what it feels like trying to start over at 32 years old. I'll never understand why God didn't listen. Why God abandoned me in those moments and felt like I could survive this.
My dear Mike, I've now been without you longer than we were married. We weren't perfect, but I loved you with everything I was. We grew up together. We became adults together. We became parents together. These kids have no memories of you, but love you in a way only a child's love for their daddy can be described. They are just soooo much like you. Michael especially. I hope you're proud of me and the decisions I've made thus far. We miss you sooo much. We wish you were here. We will see you again some day. I love you more than the world, my love.
I think he is proud of you and all the decisions you've made so far and will make. Thinking of you, Mandy.
ReplyDelete