5 Years

Today is supposed to be my 5th wedding anniversary with Mike.  5 years ago today I was probably the calmest I have ever been in my life.  I just knew everything was going to go right.  I knew that my handsome prince charming was going to be waiting for me at the end of the aisle and we were going to live happily ever after. I was THAT little girl.  The one that dreamed about her wedding day.  Envisioned every detail.  Planned everything to a T.

Then right before I walked down the aisle, I started to have a panic attack.  Both my dads told me they would carry me out and it was too late for me to freak out.  

We read our vows.  Oh... our vows.  I had no idea how hard marriage was.  I had no idea that in our first year of marriage we would test "in sickness and in health" when Mike had open heart surgery the month before our first anniversary.  I had no idea that no matter how much you love someone, there will still be an "or worse" part of your marriage and how hard that is when you are going through it..  But most importantly, I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that I would be here, now, at 28, and already experienced the "til death do us part" portion of my vows.  I stood there on that day and had hopes, dreams, and a vision for our future.  It included having babies, growing old together, spending the rest of our lives together, and dying at an old, old age as grandparents.  How am I supposed to have my 5th wedding anniversary and already experienced "til death do us part".  We were supposed to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary!!  We are soo far from that.    There are NO words to describe how I feel today.

I still remember so many details of our wedding, even 5 years later.  I remember our first kiss as husband and wife. I remember how giddy I felt.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  It felt like we had just met! And to walk down the aisle with him.. he was MY husband.  MINE.  I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with him!  I felt like the luckiest girl in the world!

Our day was everything I ever imagined it would be and more.  We were SO HAPPY.  Nothing else compares.

Four and a half years wasn't enough.  It was NOT enough.  In the eight years we were together we had some really, really bad times.  But in 8 years.. we had more really, REALLY good times and the good FAR outweighed the bad.  I made some pretty incredible friends because of Mike.  I found my church family because of Mike.  I have a beautiful home because of Mike.  I am still in and have a good job because Mike believed in me, pushed me to work hard, and supported me when he didn't have to.  Mike made me laugh like no one else could.  He made me want to be a better person.

I miss his laugh.  I miss him picking on me.  I miss hearing him call me his Bride, even years after we got married. I miss his incredibly long arms sneaking up behind me and holding me so tight I can't move.  I miss going to the grocery store and him trying to sneak in Little Debbie's snacks. in my grocery cart.  I miss someone checking in on me all day asking me how my day is and the random "I love you" text messages.  I miss the random "I love you" messages I found all over my house or the sweet little gifts he would get just to let me know he was thinking about me or even him just walking in the door with a sweet tea because he knew how much I loved it. I miss having to pick up his clothes all over the house because he took them off every where and they never ended up in the clothes basket!  Ok... maybe I don't miss that, but I miss picking on him about it!  I miss just hearing his voice.  I miss watching him with the kids.  I miss watching him smile when they did something cute and I wish more than anything that I could have seen his face the first time his children said 'dada'.  Oh gosh, I really wish I could've seen it.  I imagine it would have been as exciting as his face when Madison took his credit card from him and wouldn't give it back:

Michael Edward Shaw- I love you so incredibly much.  I always have and I always will.  The last 6 months have been so far from the life I dreamed of that I can't even put it in to words.  I didn't know what love was until I met you.  Thank you for choosing me to be your wife.  For choosing me to be the person you would literally spend the rest of your life with.  For choosing me to be the mother of your children and blessing me with two gorgeous children that remind me so much of you.  Thank you for choosing, in some of the most difficult situations, to choose joy.  For showing me how to live life to the fullest despite being in constant pain. I am eternally grateful for you.  I love and miss you more than any words I could write.  Happy 5th Anniversary baby. I love you.

10 Months!

My sweet babies turned 10 months old on March 10th and they celebrated their first St. Patrick's day!  They get more and more adorable by the day.  Watching them explore and learn new things is quite frankly the highlight of all of my life.  I think it's safe to say that the two of them are my greatest accomplishment.  I'm so blessed to be their mom.

This month my Miss Madison is really starting to get around.  She doesn't crawl a 'normal' crawl but nothing stops her.  If she wants something she goes for it.  She will keep head butting something until she figures out how to get her hands out to start pulling up.  She has starting pulling up on things and can get up on her knees but not quite on her feet yet.  When she is standing, holding something, if she goes to fall, she falls straight back like a board.  It doesn't matter if you catch her or not, that completely breaks her heart!  She has this super sad cry like her feelings are hurt that she fell down.  I know it shouldn't be cute when your kid cries, but I can't help but giggle.  She's absolutely precious!!

 

Michael continues to get in to every.thing.  He is everywhere at all times.  He can beat you to any room in the house, especially if you blink for even a half of a second.  Still isn't completely walking on his own but he will take a few steps and sit down.  It's like he knows what he is doing, gets scared, and immediately sits on his butt.  He can climb on everything.  The other day he climbed on top of his activity table for no good reason.  He has also pushed a box over tot he catch in an effort to climb on the couch.  My mom makes a joke that if I can't find him then look on the roof.  That's no joke.  He is a busy, very determined, strong willed little boy and I LOVE it. 

Together, they are priceless.  They hold each other's hands, hug each other, go towards one another when one is crying, immediately look for their sibling when waking up from a nap/bedtime.  They ADORE each other.  I love the strong bond they already have with each other.  I can only hope they will continue a close relationship for the rest of their lives.  

I thank God every day that these two are taken care of and that I was chosen to be their mom.  They give me something to live for, something worth fighting for.  I can't give up, I can't just stop functioning, I can't just lock myself in my room and hide and not face reality because I have them. And they need me.  I love being their mom. 

 

Slacker- oops!

Yep.  I knew there would come a time I would slack off and not get anything wrote. ;) Not for lack of not having anything to say, just sheer busyness. 

M&M turned 10 months old yesterday.  Stay tuned for their monthly update.

In the last month of my absence, I've survived a lot.  I survived Valentine's day.  The first one I've spent alone in 8 years.  Mike's dad came and got me from work and took me to a sweet and yummy lunch at Main Street Grille in Round Rock.  I was surprised as how emotional I was on Valentine's day.  Such a silly holiday, yet I could recall details of almost every single Valentine's day for the last 8 years.

I survived the "anniversary" of our first miscarriage.  I quote it because it certainly wasn't an anniversary to celebrate.  Last year was easier because we had M&M that we were preparing for and we had already hit viability so I felt confident I would finally be bringing a baby (2 babies!) in to the world finally.  But this year, I had those 2 babies, and even though I feel incredibly blessed, I still felt incredibly jipped.  Jipped that this year, not only did I mourn the loss of a baby that was so desperately wanted, I also had to mourn the loss of my husband not being here on this day with me.  It didn't help that I still have Mike's phone activated and the calendar on his phone had a calendar reminder to send me flowers on this day.  On the flip side, I survived this day.  I didn't hardly shed a tear.  Someone shared with me not long after Mike died that now, with him gone, my baby finally had someone in heaven just for her.  So, I chose joy on this day.  I chose to believe that my sweet baby was running around with her daddy, who was pain free, and that they are happy beyond compare.  And that's what helped me survive that day.

I survived the 4 year anniversary of Mike's heart surgery.  It was hard knowing that 4 years ago I was seeing him in the hospital, spending a week in ICU by his side, praying he would be ok, and he was.  That next year was a battle, but he got better.  Then, here I sat, 4 years later, and what inevitably caused his death, was his heart.  How was it that something we worked so long on getting repaired ended up being the one thing that failed him?  Another topic for another day I suppose.

And lastly, this past weekend, I survived a family trip with Mike's family.  Without Mike.  Don't get me wrong, I love Mike's family.  But this weekend, it was the longest trip M&M had been on (6 hour drive to Lubbock), the first trip with Mike's family anywhere besides out to eat without Mike, and the first time I have seen Mike's extended family since his funeral.  And you know what?  It was OK.  I managed.  A few tears were certainly shed, but I survived.  And smiled.  And we were ok. 

Someone shared this on facebook:

 It resonated so loudly with me.  I consistently tell myself that there HAS to be a plan FAR GREATER than any plan I could dream of myself because NO WAY that God would possibly have allowed this to happen if there wasn't something better about to happen in my life.  I'm going to win.  I AM going to survive this.