5 Years

Today is supposed to be my 5th wedding anniversary with Mike.  5 years ago today I was probably the calmest I have ever been in my life.  I just knew everything was going to go right.  I knew that my handsome prince charming was going to be waiting for me at the end of the aisle and we were going to live happily ever after. I was THAT little girl.  The one that dreamed about her wedding day.  Envisioned every detail.  Planned everything to a T.

Then right before I walked down the aisle, I started to have a panic attack.  Both my dads told me they would carry me out and it was too late for me to freak out.  

We read our vows.  Oh... our vows.  I had no idea how hard marriage was.  I had no idea that in our first year of marriage we would test "in sickness and in health" when Mike had open heart surgery the month before our first anniversary.  I had no idea that no matter how much you love someone, there will still be an "or worse" part of your marriage and how hard that is when you are going through it..  But most importantly, I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that I would be here, now, at 28, and already experienced the "til death do us part" portion of my vows.  I stood there on that day and had hopes, dreams, and a vision for our future.  It included having babies, growing old together, spending the rest of our lives together, and dying at an old, old age as grandparents.  How am I supposed to have my 5th wedding anniversary and already experienced "til death do us part".  We were supposed to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary!!  We are soo far from that.    There are NO words to describe how I feel today.

I still remember so many details of our wedding, even 5 years later.  I remember our first kiss as husband and wife. I remember how giddy I felt.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  It felt like we had just met! And to walk down the aisle with him.. he was MY husband.  MINE.  I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with him!  I felt like the luckiest girl in the world!

Our day was everything I ever imagined it would be and more.  We were SO HAPPY.  Nothing else compares.

Four and a half years wasn't enough.  It was NOT enough.  In the eight years we were together we had some really, really bad times.  But in 8 years.. we had more really, REALLY good times and the good FAR outweighed the bad.  I made some pretty incredible friends because of Mike.  I found my church family because of Mike.  I have a beautiful home because of Mike.  I am still in and have a good job because Mike believed in me, pushed me to work hard, and supported me when he didn't have to.  Mike made me laugh like no one else could.  He made me want to be a better person.

I miss his laugh.  I miss him picking on me.  I miss hearing him call me his Bride, even years after we got married. I miss his incredibly long arms sneaking up behind me and holding me so tight I can't move.  I miss going to the grocery store and him trying to sneak in Little Debbie's snacks. in my grocery cart.  I miss someone checking in on me all day asking me how my day is and the random "I love you" text messages.  I miss the random "I love you" messages I found all over my house or the sweet little gifts he would get just to let me know he was thinking about me or even him just walking in the door with a sweet tea because he knew how much I loved it. I miss having to pick up his clothes all over the house because he took them off every where and they never ended up in the clothes basket!  Ok... maybe I don't miss that, but I miss picking on him about it!  I miss just hearing his voice.  I miss watching him with the kids.  I miss watching him smile when they did something cute and I wish more than anything that I could have seen his face the first time his children said 'dada'.  Oh gosh, I really wish I could've seen it.  I imagine it would have been as exciting as his face when Madison took his credit card from him and wouldn't give it back:

Michael Edward Shaw- I love you so incredibly much.  I always have and I always will.  The last 6 months have been so far from the life I dreamed of that I can't even put it in to words.  I didn't know what love was until I met you.  Thank you for choosing me to be your wife.  For choosing me to be the person you would literally spend the rest of your life with.  For choosing me to be the mother of your children and blessing me with two gorgeous children that remind me so much of you.  Thank you for choosing, in some of the most difficult situations, to choose joy.  For showing me how to live life to the fullest despite being in constant pain. I am eternally grateful for you.  I love and miss you more than any words I could write.  Happy 5th Anniversary baby. I love you.