M&M turned 10 months old yesterday. Stay tuned for their monthly update.
In the last month of my absence, I've survived a lot. I survived Valentine's day. The first one I've spent alone in 8 years. Mike's dad came and got me from work and took me to a sweet and yummy lunch at Main Street Grille in Round Rock. I was surprised as how emotional I was on Valentine's day. Such a silly holiday, yet I could recall details of almost every single Valentine's day for the last 8 years.
I survived the "anniversary" of our first miscarriage. I quote it because it certainly wasn't an anniversary to celebrate. Last year was easier because we had M&M that we were preparing for and we had already hit viability so I felt confident I would finally be bringing a baby (2 babies!) in to the world finally. But this year, I had those 2 babies, and even though I feel incredibly blessed, I still felt incredibly jipped. Jipped that this year, not only did I mourn the loss of a baby that was so desperately wanted, I also had to mourn the loss of my husband not being here on this day with me. It didn't help that I still have Mike's phone activated and the calendar on his phone had a calendar reminder to send me flowers on this day. On the flip side, I survived this day. I didn't hardly shed a tear. Someone shared with me not long after Mike died that now, with him gone, my baby finally had someone in heaven just for her. So, I chose joy on this day. I chose to believe that my sweet baby was running around with her daddy, who was pain free, and that they are happy beyond compare. And that's what helped me survive that day.
I survived the 4 year anniversary of Mike's heart surgery. It was hard knowing that 4 years ago I was seeing him in the hospital, spending a week in ICU by his side, praying he would be ok, and he was. That next year was a battle, but he got better. Then, here I sat, 4 years later, and what inevitably caused his death, was his heart. How was it that something we worked so long on getting repaired ended up being the one thing that failed him? Another topic for another day I suppose.
And lastly, this past weekend, I survived a family trip with Mike's family. Without Mike. Don't get me wrong, I love Mike's family. But this weekend, it was the longest trip M&M had been on (6 hour drive to Lubbock), the first trip with Mike's family anywhere besides out to eat without Mike, and the first time I have seen Mike's extended family since his funeral. And you know what? It was OK. I managed. A few tears were certainly shed, but I survived. And smiled. And we were ok.
Someone shared this on facebook:
It resonated so loudly with me. I consistently tell myself that there HAS to be a plan FAR GREATER than any plan I could dream of myself because NO WAY that God would possibly have allowed this to happen if there wasn't something better about to happen in my life. I'm going to win. I AM going to survive this.
Mandy - I didn't even know you had this blog. You do such a good job of describing everything. I'm smiling sometimes and tearing up other times as I read. We love you.
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