Anger

I'm interrupting my sweet slew of birthday posts to come because I'm frustrated.  So, feel free to skip this one.

They say there are 5 stages of grief- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  Everyone process grief differently and in no particular order.  I feel like you can repeat these stages too.  I bargained a lot in the beginning.  I begged God to save Mike.  I begged him to take me instead.  I made promises I hoped I could keep.  I would have done anything.  Absolutely anything. 

Then I was in denial.  No way this was true.  No way this was real.  Mike was just out of town for work.  He would be home soon.  We could wait at the door and he would come through at any minute.  Only... he never did.

Then there's the depression.  I hung around there for a long time.  I would say there are days, even weeks, I still hang out there.  To be put mildly, this just sucks.  I feel like all of my hopes and dreams were shattered in an instant.  It's depressing to have all these dreams for your life, for your children's lives, and for them to just be ripped from you.  I wanted SO much for my kids.  Now, I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will ever be enough for them.  How can it be?  They don't have their dad anymore.  A huge part of their life will always be missing.  And that's heartbreaking. 

Then there's the anger.  That's where I currently am.  Angry.  Pissed actually.  I'm so mad at Mike.  So mad that he abandoned our family.  So mad that God didn't save him.  Mad that there are now so many situations beyond my control that I don't know how to fix.  How to even just be ok with them.  Mad that my kids are on an awesome routine now and that every evening there is quality time with them, but also there is so much time after they go to bed that Mike and I could have spent reconnecting and focusing on our marriage.  But instead, I lay in bed. Alone.  Wishing the night away.  Because I can't sleep, laying in bed is lonely, and being in bed without him, it's heart wrenching.  Mad that my kids don't have a father.  Mad that I got married thinking I was getting married for the one and only time and had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  Only... it was him that found the person he would spend the rest of HIS life with.  Leaving me here alone.  Mad that things were JUST getting better.  Mad that we were finally getting in to a groove of being a family of 4.  Mad that I have to start over.  We were together for almost 8 years!  That's almost a third of my life!  Mad at things I can't change.  Mad at choices that were made that had nothing to do with me but yet effect me all the while.  Mad at emotions I'm feeling that no one should ever have to feel.  Just flat out mad at the situation and that this was not the plan that I had for my life.  And mad that even though I truly believe that God's plans are far greater than any plan I could ever make for myself, that I just can NOT comprehend or understand how or why losing my husband at 27 years old and the father to my not even 5 month old children is the beginning of a plan that could in any way be good.