3 years

3 years. 36 months.  156 weeks.  1095 days.   That's how long I've been living this life without you.  My whole heart ACHES today.  I have a million reasons to be happy and nothing changes the literal ache in my chest.  It came at me like I've been punched in the gut.  I was fine and then the tears started and never stopped.  I'm SO angry and SO sad.  I MISS HIM SO DAMN MUCH.  Nights are the worst.  What do you do to fill the void of climbing in to an empty bed.  One that you used to climb in to at the end of every day and talk to your husband about what went on that day, and plan your weekend, and talk about our life and where we are going, and share our hearts with each other.  3 days or 3 years.

As I'm unpacking I came across the infamous Mother's Day card.  The one and only one I ever got that says "Once upon a time on a day that looked like any other day, someone like no one else came along and made life into something that would never be the same... That's you.  That's my life.  That's why you'll always be the only one for me.  Happy Mother's Day to the woman of my dreams."

How did we get from there. From THAT.  To losing him just 4 months later.  HOW?!  WHY!?

I've typed a million things tonight and deleted them all. I don't even know what to say and feel like a rambling mess.  I miss him.  I'm tired of replaying in my mind everything that happened that night.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm just tired.  Tired.  Beyond Tired.  Beyond Tired.

Mike- I want you to know that I love you.  I'm doing the best I can.  M&M know you from a picture and I'll always make sure they know how much you loved them. I hope you're not disappointed. I love you more than the world, honey.

I'll leave you with some pictures that made me smile.  He always could make me smile.