It never ends

Grief, that is.  It never ends. It gets better.  It may even get better most days, but it never, ever ends.  Life has been a roller coaster the past few months.  A very fast, quick turning, high drop, not fun roller coaster. Let's recap the past few months, shall we?

September 2016: 
1. Closed and bought a brand new home in the Houston area.
2.  Honored Mike as we remembered his last days of life 3 years ago.

October 2016:  
1.My sweet Freddy took his last breath.
2. "Celebrated" what would have been Mike's 31st birthday.

November 2016: 
1. I got a promotion and new job in Harris County, one of the largest counties in Texas.
2. Thanksgiving
3. Both kids end up with Hand, Foot, Mouth. MISERABLE.

December 2016:
1. Fought with the school district and learned that they weren't going to honor the evaluations completed in Austin.
2. Christmas.  Need I say more?

January 2017:
1. M&M started a new preschool I thought was going to be an awesome fit for them.
2. Madison had surgery to put tubes in her ears and her adenoids out
3. M&M started speech at the public school, in services that didn't meet their needs

February 2017:
1. M&M got kicked out of the preschool they started the month prior leaving me with essentially no options for another school.  Ever want to know where NOT to go?  This place is at the top of my list.
2. Public School speech therapist recognizes the services for Madison are not sufficient enough.  Have an ARD where they continue to not meet her needs and initially deny my request for a new evaluation.

March 2017:
1. My insurance denies coverage of Michael's medication. Ya know.. his heart medication..that he needs to prevent his aorta from increasing.
2.  I'm notified by M&M's therapists that my insurance may be denying coverage for them to continue in therapy services after the middle of April. Fought insurance for weeks to deal with both issues.
3. M&M see a developmental pediatrician.  She is FABULOUS. Learn Madison is being diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.  Explains all of her delays and especially her tight muscles and tip toe walking.  4. Notify public school of new diagnosis, provide them with the evaluation done by the developmental pediatrician, and request an ARD meeting to discuss. My request is denied pending the evaluation they had yet to complete.
5. I "celebrate" my 8th wedding anniversary. My 3rd anniversary all by myself.  :(
6.  Raised over $4400 for the Houston Walk for Victory for the Marfan Foundation- AMAZING!

April 2017:
1. Start advocating and contacting everyone I can regarding special education at the public school.  After talking to several people, realize I am right and need to escalate my concerns.  Notify Director of Special Education of my concerns.
2. Start working with the Lead Diagnostician to have my concerns addressed.
3. OT Evaluation is finally completed, literally the day it's due.  I don't receive the report for a week, but it recommended services, just as I expected.
4. I agree to have Madison have a full reevaluation.

May 2017:
1. M&M turn 4- how did that happen?!?!
2. M&M have hippotherapy evaluations to start services. I also write a letter asking for a scholarship to cover a portion of the cost.  I poured my heart out and shared our grief.
3. Madison is reevaluated at the school district by the Lead Diagnostician.
4. FINALLY. Almost 5 months of fighting, my daughter gets the services she needs and will start out at the public school 5 days a week for the next school year.  Both my kids will be in school 5 days a week starting in August.  YES!

June 2017:
1. Beach trip!
2. M&M start hippotherapy. So fun!
3. I find out we received the scholarship for therapy and they will cover HALF the cost. Shocked and so grateful!
4. Going on visit #5 at the orthotics place and we STILL haven't got Madison's new braces fitting correctly.  Yet another pair has been ordered and we will see in 2 weeks if those work.
5. I have 3 days to make a decision regarding something with my career and no clue what to do.

I'm so exhausted, y'all.  Mentally and emotionally completely drained.  Yes, there's been some fun, exciting, and really amazing things to have occurred the last 10 months, but there's been more exhausting, draining, and frustrating things than good.  Not to mention, M&M are 4. This age is proving to be just as not fun as 3. Sure they have their moments, but 4 year olds are opinionated, defiant, and verrrrry strong willed.  It's not easy!!

Every Friday, at the end of a long week is SO, SO, SOOOOO hard.  Friday nights used to be date night with Mike.  Even after M&M were born, we still spent several Friday's at dinner.  No cooking, unwinding after a long week, reconnecting and relaxing, and preparing for our weekend.  I don't have that anymore.  In fact, there's pretty much nothing relaxing about Fridays or the weekends anymore.  Most importantly, it's incredibly lonely. Every year since Mike died, it seems i lose more and more friends. People I thought would be there forever are pretty nonexistent or I'm excluded.  I miss Mike's outgoing personality.  He pulled people out of their comfort zones to make sure we stayed connected.  Most people aren't like that, me included.  So, instead, I just lose everyone that was once important to us.  There's people I hoped would be around to share stories of Mike with my children that won't be.  Life is hard.  Grief is hard.  Missing your husband is hard.  Raising two 4 year olds alone, trying to juggle a full time job, deal with all of the medical issues the kids have, and try and keep other people happy... it's hard.

I started this blog as an outlet to share my feelings and hoped that in some way, maybe some other young widow would read this blog and get some sort of comfort out of knowing they are not alone in their feelings.  So, if you're a young widow and reading this and struggling... know you're not alone.