Party Decorations

Be prepared for several birthday party posts.  I spent a ton of spare time planning Michael and Madison's first birthday to make it a Pinterest quality party.  It kept me busy.  It kept me from thinking.  And in the end I think everything turned out FANTASTIC.  I'm happy with what I planned.  I wish I could be a party planner- it's so fun!

 

 I got their invitations from the seller Cutie Tie Dye Boutique on Etsy.

 

I got the small chalkboards from Oriental Trading and the 

little farm duckies from Hobby Lobby.

 

 

 

 

I got the bandana print bowls from HEB Plus.

 

 I got these adorable Mason Jar drink containers from Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

 

 

This adorable banner was handmade from Giddy Gumdrops on Etsy. It was extremely well made and was super adorable.  Underneath the banner I just used matching ribbon and baby sized clothes pins to hang pictures of M&M.

 

This basket and the red Bun basket came from Garden Ridge.

 

 

 

This adorable chalk board sign came from Hobby Lobby and I used 

chalk markers to write on it.  

 

I had this sign made from Oriental Trading.  The sign was really cute but the legs of the sign were not very sturdy and I ended up breaking one as soon as I tried to put it in the ground.  I had to duct tape it back together.  

 

High Chair decorations also came from Oriental Trading.

And last, but not least, was this amazing birthday cake from Not Your Ordinary Cakes.  The cake will get it's own post so you can see the adorable smash cake goodness!

Anger

I'm interrupting my sweet slew of birthday posts to come because I'm frustrated.  So, feel free to skip this one.

They say there are 5 stages of grief- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  Everyone process grief differently and in no particular order.  I feel like you can repeat these stages too.  I bargained a lot in the beginning.  I begged God to save Mike.  I begged him to take me instead.  I made promises I hoped I could keep.  I would have done anything.  Absolutely anything. 

Then I was in denial.  No way this was true.  No way this was real.  Mike was just out of town for work.  He would be home soon.  We could wait at the door and he would come through at any minute.  Only... he never did.

Then there's the depression.  I hung around there for a long time.  I would say there are days, even weeks, I still hang out there.  To be put mildly, this just sucks.  I feel like all of my hopes and dreams were shattered in an instant.  It's depressing to have all these dreams for your life, for your children's lives, and for them to just be ripped from you.  I wanted SO much for my kids.  Now, I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will ever be enough for them.  How can it be?  They don't have their dad anymore.  A huge part of their life will always be missing.  And that's heartbreaking. 

Then there's the anger.  That's where I currently am.  Angry.  Pissed actually.  I'm so mad at Mike.  So mad that he abandoned our family.  So mad that God didn't save him.  Mad that there are now so many situations beyond my control that I don't know how to fix.  How to even just be ok with them.  Mad that my kids are on an awesome routine now and that every evening there is quality time with them, but also there is so much time after they go to bed that Mike and I could have spent reconnecting and focusing on our marriage.  But instead, I lay in bed. Alone.  Wishing the night away.  Because I can't sleep, laying in bed is lonely, and being in bed without him, it's heart wrenching.  Mad that my kids don't have a father.  Mad that I got married thinking I was getting married for the one and only time and had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  Only... it was him that found the person he would spend the rest of HIS life with.  Leaving me here alone.  Mad that things were JUST getting better.  Mad that we were finally getting in to a groove of being a family of 4.  Mad that I have to start over.  We were together for almost 8 years!  That's almost a third of my life!  Mad at things I can't change.  Mad at choices that were made that had nothing to do with me but yet effect me all the while.  Mad at emotions I'm feeling that no one should ever have to feel.  Just flat out mad at the situation and that this was not the plan that I had for my life.  And mad that even though I truly believe that God's plans are far greater than any plan I could ever make for myself, that I just can NOT comprehend or understand how or why losing my husband at 27 years old and the father to my not even 5 month old children is the beginning of a plan that could in any way be good. 

A Year in Review

Anyone that has known Mike and I has known that he was always the technological one.  He could build computers from the ground up.  He knew how to fix anything on the computer, TV, radio, you name it, he could fix it.  The one thing he taught me was that you can google for just about anything and find out how to fix it.  So, with the few skills he taught me, I figured out how to make a slide show all by myself.  I think he would be proud of what I did.  So, without further adieu, a slide show of my sweet Michael and Madison's first year of life....

Happy Birthday Michael and Madison!!

Be prepared; this is a long post!  I can NOT believe it.  Can Not.  How is it that my babies are already a year old??  I anticipate today will bring a lot of tears.  It's so shocking to me that they are a year old.  It feels like just yesterday I was in labor at 37 weeks.

I went in to labor something fierce the day before they made their appearance.  I remember doubting Mike.  I remember thinking no way he could coach me through contractions.  No way he could stand in the room with me with his awful gag reflux.  No way would he be anywhere near these babies coming out.  And I was terrified he was going to pass out and end up in the ER and I would be by myself.  But you know what?  He was a ROCK STAR!  He sat by me.  He held my hands.   He talked to me.  He of course made jokes.  He encouraged me.  He cheered me on.  He repeatedly told me how much he loved and appreciated me.  It was absolutely the best day of my life.  I was a mom.  I had a FAMILY.  I felt complete. My heart might as well have burst out of my chest with the overwhelming love I found for my husband that night.  I don't know if I ever got to tell him that.  I wish he knew that and I wish I had told him that.

I don't know where the last year has went.  Most of this year was Hard.  Hard beyond hard beyond hard.  There's been minimal sleep, lots of tears, lots of frustration, and lots of really hard times.  For me, today is not just about their birthday but about survival for me.  I somehow survived this year.  Months (literally) of no sleeping, hard times with my marriage, the death of my husband, and somehow still finding the strength to at least be a minimally decent mother at times.  I wish you were here to celebrate with me Mike.  I think you would be a very proud daddy today.

Michael and Madison- today is all about you.  I love you more than you will ever, ever know.  I will always be your number one cheerleader.  Happy Birthday loves. 

May 9, 2013 at 12:53am I welcomed Madison Grace in to the world.  Two hours later at 2:58am I welcomed my sweet boy, Michael Kaden in to this world.

2 weeks old

One Month Old

Two Months Old

3 Months Old

4 months

5 months old

6 months

7 months

8 months

9 months

10 months

11 months

Happy birthday my sweet, sweet, babies.  I can confidently say that after all I have been through in this last year, I would not be here right now if it was not for you.  You have made my life so full in some of the most empty moments.  I don't think I'll ever be able to explain how thankful I am that God chose ME to be your mom.  I love you both.  

A little Flashback.

A year ago today I went in for my 37 week check up. 

I found out I was 3 cm along and it didn't appear there was any sign of M&M making an appearance.  We also scheduled my induction for May 14th.  I remember sending a text to Mike that I was 3 cm dilated and that I had scheduled their eviction date.  His response was something to the effect of "Will you ever Un-dilate?" I was like ummm no. I laughed hysterically!  Mike made me laugh constantly.

I had no idea that night we were getting this rodeo started.  I woke up around 2 am in a ton of pain.  I thought it was just the way Michael was laying.  He had his way where he would turn diagonal and slide under his sister and push her up to make my belly deformed and it hurt so much. Then my lower back was hurting so bad.  I would walk back and forth to the bathroom and nothing was helping.  I tried an ice pack and that didn't help.  I was in tears and didn't know what to do.  I wasn't convinced it was contractions because I couldn't time them.  I had even downloaded a handy-dandy app on my phone that was supposed to tell me how far apart they were and it wasn't working!  Turns out my back labor was so intense that it was like one contraction after another.  Finally around midnight I got in a warm bath.  I slept in the tub for at least 2 hours.  I finally got up and was able to get comfortable in the glider and fell asleep.  I never moved when Mike got up from work and he apparently snapped this gem:

Quite possibly the worst picture taken of me.  But I like it so much because the memories are so real.  You can even tell the odd shape of my belly because of how M&M were laying.  But this was my last night as a married couple and family of 2.

I finally got up and took a shower around 7.  I was dressed, make up on, hair straightened, and everything before my grandma ever got to my house that morning.  I called the doctor at 8am as soon as they opened to figure out what to do next. I went to the doctor, was monitored for a little while and then they sent me on my way to the hospital.  We thought May 8th was going to be the day!!

I was in labor from around 2am on May 8th until my second one made his appearance 25 hours later on May 9th.  It was absolutely crazy!