7 years gone.

 Every year this week hits me like a wrecking ball. I can feel it coming a mile away. I can make myself abundantly busy, overwhelm myself with other things, do my best to ignore it, pretend that I’m ridiculously happy, and yet, still, in these moments, that night plays on repeat over and over in my mind. What went wrong? How did we go from me falling asleep on his chest to absolute turmoil to watching a doctor on top of him doing CPR?! It all happened so, so quickly, yet, 7 years later I can still recall every. single. detail. Everyone else's life moved on like they just ran over a curb.  Mine?  It just stood still.

Losing Mike has brought so much heartache and pain to my life that doesn’t ever seem to go away. I guess it’s gotten better with time, but the type of pain and the type of hard just changes. This year, that’s been watching the pain of my children. Part of me thought that because they were only 4 months old, I wouldn’t really ever have to deal with their grief. Boy was I wrong.  Madison’s heart has HURT this year. You never see it coming and then she says “I miss my daddy”. Talk about a dagger in your chest. She asks about him constantly. Asks about us being married. Wants to know what he watched on tv. If he’s still in heaven. If she will see him one day in heaven. If he’s taking care of our dogs that have passed away. If he loves her. MY BABY ASKS ME IF HER DADDY LOVES HER. Nothing makes me want to break glass more than that. Watching my daughter hurt and long for that father relationship eats me alive and causes nightmares. Literally.

Michael is more subtle. He used to talk about him via dreams he had. It’s gotten less and less as he’s got older. But, last year, on a school field trip I was chaperoning, one of Michael’s friends was sitting in the chair across from me and he asked me about Michael’s daddy and if he was in heaven. In that moment, I realized Michael had talked about him at school and how hard that must have been to say. I sat with tears in my eyes after that. Then, a few months ago, completely at random, from the back seat of the car, Michael asked me HOW his daddy died. Most people don’t realize how complicated this answer is. My short answer is always his heart stopped. But, when you have a 7 year old kid with a heart condition, telling him his daddy died from a heart issue, probably isn’t the wisest route to go. I kept it short and simple and he didn’t ask any follow up questions. Yet. (THANK YOU LORD!!) 

When we found out we were pregnant with M&M we talked about our 5 year plan and decided that when M&M turned 5 we would talk about trying to have another baby. That was 2 years ago. I don’t think I want any more kids but the fact that the choice has practically been made for me crushes me. But, not only that, for years, everyone (and I mean everyone) says, 

“Oh, but you’re young! You’ll find love again!”

“There’s still time to find someone else” 

“You’re young, you’ll remarry!” 

But, 7 years later, this is our life and there is no one else.  And unless I’m looking for a one night stand, someone not wanting a relationship there’s not been any other options. Besides the complete hit to my confidence since Mike died, I think I’m most sad that M&M have no one. No one lining up at the door to do Donuts with dad, or daddy daughter dances, or take Michael fishing that he so desperately wants to do, or play video games with him. There’s no one and it makes me feel like I’m failing them. 

I worry every day that I’m not good enough for M&M. How I will do it all. How I’m going to keep being so spread thin and managing it all. I pray often for just a break. Nothing has ever been easy, but if we could just get a reprieve from the pain, that would be great. 

September 30, 2013 will forever be the absolute worst day of my life. The day I lost the love of my life. The day my children lost their daddy. The day I lost my sense of security. The day I lost my confidence. The day my entire world changed and I became someone completely different. 

Mike Shaw.... I love you more than you ever knew on this side of Earth. I would give anything for just one more hour with you, one more hug, and one more kiss. If I had known then that when you walked out that door that it would have been the last time, I would have hugged you longer and kissed you harder. You made me laugh and enjoy life so much more and I will miss you for all of eternity. I love you more than the world. 

6 Years gone...

In these moments, 6 years ago, the love of my life would WALK out my front door and I would never, ever see him alive again.  In just a few hours, just after midnight, he would be gone.  I can't believe it's been 6 years.  I can't believe that 6 years later, this day still sucks all of the air out of my lungs and makes it hard for me to breathe.  The trauma from that day continue to still be rooted deep in my soul and I relive every single detail.  

This week some terrible things have happened to some friends around me.  It's triggered some awful memories and feelings from that day.  I feel like the days leading up to this "anniversary" always bring the never ending grief cycle over and over again.  Feelings of "what if" and "why did this happen" and "this is stupid" and "why me".  Whhhhyyyyyyy meeeee?!

He has missed so much.  I watched our son play at his very first soccer game this weekend and just watching the way he ran looked just like his daddy.  Not to mention, Michael did AMAZING! And Mike missed it.  Our daughter is on a cheerleading team for all abilities and she is so in her element.  A place she can be herself and no one cares.   And Mike is missing it.  Our kids just started 1st grade.  Michael is so smart and creative and innovative and is going to do so well in school.  Madison has an amazing teacher that seems to be just what she needed (what we both needed) and she is showing that her limits are unlimited.  And Mike is missing it.  This year alone he missed our nephew being born and his brother getting married.  Mike is missing everything. 

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He died and the world around me kept going.  People moved on, people found new friends, people forgot about us and how hurt we are, people stopped mentioning his name.  But for me, I have to live and breathe his life every single day because of the two little people in my house that call me Mommy.  I can't just forget about him and stop mentioning his name.  I will always hurt because he took a piece of my heart with him that day and I can never get it back. I have so many questions I will never get to ask.  Life moves on and time stands still all at the same time. 

I loved Mike from the bottom of my heart and soul and miss him terribly.  I'm so sad my children will never know what a funny, loving, entertaining, and warm person their daddy was.  I'm sad and angry that the only version of "daddy" they know is through pictures and stuffed animals.  They deserve so much more and I feel like I'm failing them and will never be able to give them all they deserve. I do the best that I can.

So, on this day, I will be sad and angry and filled with grief from the heartbreak of losing my husband.   And Tuesday, I will get up and carry on and do the best I can with the life I've been given with a continued huge hole in my heart that Mike left.  Tell your spouse you love them, don't fight over stupid stuff, and never waste a single minute letting them know how important they are to you.  Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

5 years

It felt like time stood still.  I haven't forgotten a single detail.  It doesn't quite shake me to the core like it used to, but I haven't forgot anything.  Most vividly, I remember riding with my in laws to the hospital.  I called some people important to us and let them know. But, even knowing how the night had went, MIKE WALKED OUT OF MY HOUSE.  Him dying NEVER crossed my mind.  I thought he would be really, really sick.  I thought he may be in the hospital for maybe even a few weeks.  I never thought he would die.  I don't think he did either.

When we got to the hospital, they wouldn't let me back there.  My heart started racing.  A few minutes later they took us back, but they led us to a family room and made us sit.  Then she came in and said he was really, really sick but the doctor was doing all he could.  My chest tightened so tight but still, I never thought he was dying. 

Then, she came back and said that maybe if he heard us he would fight so she took us to him.  Fight?  What did she mean?  I was so confused.  Then we walked in to a doctor practically on top of him doing CPR.  I just screamed.  I couldn't breathe.  The social worker eventually led me out but his parents stayed. When they came back and got me, I STILL didn't think he was gone.  They didn't say anything to me, they just led me to him. I sat down next to him and then they started turning off all the machines. 

Before those moments, I had never in my life wished I was dead.  But, that day, I wished I was dead.  I begged God to take me and not him.  I begged God to give him back.  I begged God to not take away my 4 month old babies' daddy.  I begged God to please not do this to me.  God didn't listen. 

I have never been to a funeral with as many people as were present at my husband's.  I remember Pastor Tim grabbing me by the arm as we were about to walk in.  I walked in, in front of literally hundreds of people.  He told me prior that it would be overwhelming.  I'm certain I held my breath from the door to my seat because I don't remember breathing.  Despite feeling completely and utterly broken, I still remember feeling loved with so many people there. 

When someone dies, people come in groves.  Then a month goes by, then a year, 3 years, 5 years, and all those people that said they would always be there disappear.  I'm sad for M&M.  I'm sad for the lack of understanding for two kids that lost their daddy.  I'm sad that the only daddy they know is in heaven.  I'm sad every time my son asks if his daddy loves him and why did his daddy have to go to heaven.  I'm sad every time my son asks if his daddy will be waiting for him when he gets to heaven.  I'm sad when the school sends home stupid "dad related" events and my kids have no one to fill that void so they miss out.  I'm sad that people could care less and feel like that's just life. I'm sad that THAT is my kids' life.  I'm sad that people said they would be around to tell my kids stories about their daddy so they would always know him but that those people don't come around anymore and my kids have no idea who they are.  I'm sad that losing him meant I lost literally EVERYTHING and everyone around me just keeps moving forward and doesn't even notice.

Today hurts in a way that I didn't think it would.  I feel alone in a way I've never felt before and I'm exhausted.  I'm angry at Mike for leaving me but miss him so bad it hurts at the same time.  There's no words to describe what it feels like to become a widow at 27 years old with 4 month old twins.  There's no words to describe what it feels like trying to start over at 32 years old.  I'll never understand why God didn't listen.  Why God abandoned me in those moments and felt like I could survive this. 

My dear Mike, I've now been without you longer than we were married.  We weren't perfect, but I loved you with everything I was.  We grew up together.  We became adults together.  We became parents together.  These kids have no memories of you, but love you in a way only a child's love for their daddy can be described.  They are just soooo much like you.  Michael especially.  I hope you're proud of me and the decisions I've made thus far.  We miss you sooo much.  We wish you were here.  We will see you again some day.  I love you more than the world, my love. 

4 Years

A little less than 4 years ago, I started this blog at the recommendation of my therapist as an outlet for my grief.  Since then, my posts have slowed.  In my mind, that's a sign of the ongoing healing. But, this month has been hard.  Sooooo very hard.  It's only fitting that I come back to share that grief here.

When I first became a widow, a fellow widow sister told me that each day, each month, each year, gets easier but there will always be things that bring up periods of sadness.  A lot of times it comes unexpectedly, others, like the month of September, it's pretty known. But, apparently, the fact that it has now been almost 4 year, many people have started having opinions on me "moving on".

Let's talk about that for a minute. What does me "moving on" mean to you? Does it mean:
          -Getting over "it"?
          -Forgetting about the past?
          -Not crying anymore?
          -Not being sad anymore?
          -Not talking about him or posting on social media about missing him? Or if I do, it only can be happy posts, right?
          -Dating Again?

From a somewhat analytical standpoint, the definition of "Move" is:
1. to pass from one place or position to another
2. to go from one place of residence to another
3. to advance or progress

Ok, fair enough.  I moved from Austin to Houston.  Moved from one house to another.  I moved my job from Austin to Conroe and THEN I even took a promotion to move to Houston.  To advance or progress- I suppose this is up for discretion, but let me explain it to you like this.  4 years ago on this day, I crawled in my grandma's bed to try to sleep and cried so hard I was shaking.  I couldn't get up.  I didn't pick up my babies.  I could barely speak a sentence without bursting into tears.  I screamed.  I yelled at people.  I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.  Can you visualize that?  On the other hand, today, 4 years later, I woke up in a hotel room in San Antonio, took a shower, got dressed, put on makeup, got my children ready and am headed to Sea World. To do something fun. Because on any anniversary or important day, that's what Mike would want to do- something fun.  Is that not advancing?  Is that not progressing?  I have MOVED forward soooo much from where I was 4 years ago.

I feel like at this stage of my life, those that were once supportive and encouraging have turned to judgment.  I'm not grieving in the way you want me to grieve.  I'm not living my l2wife the way you want me to live.  I'm so thankful for the large online support you can find these days with so many incredible women that have walked in my shoes before me or with me, whom write so much more eloquently than I, that so often validate my feelings.  I've always been a rule follower, wanting to do the right thing, not wanting to disappoint.  Can you imagine how painful it is to feel the judgment as you grieve the most traumatic and painful loss of your entire life?

Before writing this, I read this blog here that wrote:
"There's a quote that says, "I will not hide my grief, as I did not hide my love". We will continue to publicly honor the men we loved, WITHOUT shame, and WITHOUT your permission.  It's our journey and we have the right and freedom to tell our stories any way that helps us heal.  What works for one widow might not work for the next.  But considering you've never lost a spouse (and we pray you never do), you're in no position tell us when or how to grieve!"

"I will not hide my grief, as I did not hide my love".  Let that soak in.

Just last week, I read this amazing article here that wrote:
"You aren't entitled to an opinion.  You don't get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse.  You didn't have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare.  You didn't have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever.  You didn't have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life, when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.

We've gone through hell fire and lived. We don't need your negativity in our lives."

"You don't get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse". This rang so loudly for me.  I would love to argue with my husband about what we are going to eat for dinner, the socks he leaves lying all over the house, and any other petty fight you're having right now.  I don't tell you how those comments make me feel so you don't get to have an opinion on my happiness as you sit next to your living spouse.

Losing a spouse is a special kind of hell.  You can lose a grandparent, a sibling, a parent, have someone absent from your life that you wish was still here, be divorced, etc. and it DOES. NOT. COMPARE.  Are all of those things terribly sad, depressing, and their own version of hell?  Of course!  Loss affects everyone in different ways and those are devastating losses.  But yet, they still don't compare.  I'm not saying one is worse than the other because what's important to me is not what is important to you.  I am saying they are NOT the same.  Not even close.

Imagine your life as is- your daily routine, your husband that comes home to you and kisses you every day when he walks in the door, the special things he does for you, having someone to snuggle in bed with every night, someone to wake up to in the morning, ALWAYS having someone available to vent to at the end of a long day, someone to cry to when you need to cry, who holds you to comfort you, someone that makes you laugh like no other, that one person that you CHOSE to spend your entire life with, the one you vowed to love, honor, and cherish, til death do you part, and believing "til death do you part" will only come when you are old, grey, and wrinkled and living in a nursing home together.  Imagine THAT person.  The one your whole life is consumed by.  All of a sudden, on an ordinary day, they're gone.  They will never hold your hand again.  Never kiss you again.  Never hug you again.  Never hold you again.  Never speak to you again.  You will never see them on this earth again. There's no chance you'll run in to them at the grocery store.  They're GONE.  Forever.

This is my life.  I believed in  marriage one time.  I believed that I was marrying the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  I believed that we would grow old together, raising our children, becoming grandparents together, and die in a nursing home together.  I never in a million years guessed that at 27 years old, on an ordinary day, I would walk in to my house for the very first time without my husband and that he would never come back through those doors.  Or imagined that my 4 month old twin babies, would NEVER even have the ability to know their dad and what an amazing man he was.  It's not something you can ever begin to fathom if you've never experienced it.  So, YOU DON'T GET TO JUDGE ME.  You just don't.

I will NOT forget him.

I will NOT stop missing him.

I will NOT get over "it".

There will likely NEVER come a year where something doesn't make me sad or make me cry in memory of him.

I will NEVER stop talking about him and the things I miss.  You know why?  Because he has 2 children.  2 children that only know their father from a photograph and the stories I tell them.  Have you ever met someone that's been adopted?  More often than not they grow up and want to know about their birth parent no matter how amazing their parents are.  This isn't much different.  My kids are going to want to know the amazing things I know about their daddy and damn it, I'm going to share all that I can!

Dating.  (insert eye roll emoji here).  Since when did dating become a sure fire way to indicate someone has "moved on"?!  Why do I have to have another man in my life for YOU to feel like I have "moved on"?! I assure you, having another man in my life changes NONE of the above things.  My heart can grow to still love Mike as well as love someone new.  Being in a new relationship changes nothing.  Beyond that- come on y'all.  I'm a single mom of twin 4 year olds with significant medical issues, developmental delays, a school district that's a pain in my ass, a full time job, managing 59 staff, that at times can suck the life out of me, a house to take care of, 2 dogs, a grandma, and did I mention I'm a single mom?!  Seriously. Get out of here with that nonsense.  I'll date on my own terms, on my own time, whenever I want.  I don't need anyone's permission, approval, or encouragement to do so.

Let's summarize, shall we?

1. I will grieve on my own terms, however I want, without your opinion or judgment.

2. I don't need to be fixed.  I'm not a broken toy.  I rarely, if ever, am looking for suggestions to deal with the grief and hard times that occur.

3. Small, stupid things to you may be huge devastating things to me.  Examples: First day of School, Donuts with Dad, the anniversary of his death (or the month of!), his birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, our anniversary, any silly timehop memory that pops up on social media, when my kids ask about their dad in heaven.  When you think it's stupid, remember #2- I'm not a broken toy.  I don't need to be fixed.  Don't minimize my feelings!

4. Your version of "moving on" is not the same as mine.  This is my story to write, not yours, and you don't get to determine the outcomes.

5. I am NOT the same person I was 4 years ago.  I never will be.  That girl is long gone.  How can I be?!  Half of my life walked out my door 4 years ago and never came back. Y'all.  MY HUSBAND WALKED OUT MY FRONT DOOR ONLY TO NEVER COME BACK.  Did you read that?  Let that soak in and imagine if that happened in your life right THIS SECOND.  Never mind that I had 4 month old newborn twins at home, was 27 years old, and had no life insurance.

Share in my grieving, be supportive, be a good friend.  I didn't just lose him, I've lost friends.  People I thought would always be there are completely absent from my life and my kids have no idea who they are.  My entire life is drastically different.  Unless you've walked in my shoes, you don't get it and you don't get to judge, and I hope and pray you never, ever, ever, have to experience such a traumatic, devastating loss in your life that shakes you in a way that others think you'll never "move on" from.  I'm proud of where I am and how I have been moving forward in my life and you should be too.

If you don't know what to say to a young widow, if you don't know how to speak to them, if you don't know how to help them- I get it.  I hope that you NEVER have to "get it".  I love this (Click here) blog if you want to read more to better understand where my heart is.  I often find that I relate to many things here.

4 years ago today, I lost the love of my life, the father of my children, my best friend, and my husband.  He made me laugh.  He made me smile.  He held me up on my worst days.  He had the craziest ways to bring a smile to your face.  He was full of the most random facts.  Seriously- I don't know where he came up with some things! He was so tech savy.  He loved legos, Longhorns, gummy bears, and anything else with sugar.  I'll never forget the first time I came to his apartment in college and found his Little Debbie's stash.  Not to mention his love for Mexican food and Mexican Martinis.  I miss him so much.  4 years later and I'd like to say it doesn't hurt as much, but damn.  It hurts.  I hope you're proud of the mom I am to M&M and are watching over them to keep them safe.  I love you so much, Mike.  Always have, always will.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the man who made me a mother.  Who helped me bring two amazing kids in to this world.  To the only man who's ever called me his bride.  

I love you so much, Mike.  I miss you terribly and wish you were here.  

It never ends

Grief, that is.  It never ends. It gets better.  It may even get better most days, but it never, ever ends.  Life has been a roller coaster the past few months.  A very fast, quick turning, high drop, not fun roller coaster. Let's recap the past few months, shall we?

September 2016: 
1. Closed and bought a brand new home in the Houston area.
2.  Honored Mike as we remembered his last days of life 3 years ago.

October 2016:  
1.My sweet Freddy took his last breath.
2. "Celebrated" what would have been Mike's 31st birthday.

November 2016: 
1. I got a promotion and new job in Harris County, one of the largest counties in Texas.
2. Thanksgiving
3. Both kids end up with Hand, Foot, Mouth. MISERABLE.

December 2016:
1. Fought with the school district and learned that they weren't going to honor the evaluations completed in Austin.
2. Christmas.  Need I say more?

January 2017:
1. M&M started a new preschool I thought was going to be an awesome fit for them.
2. Madison had surgery to put tubes in her ears and her adenoids out
3. M&M started speech at the public school, in services that didn't meet their needs

February 2017:
1. M&M got kicked out of the preschool they started the month prior leaving me with essentially no options for another school.  Ever want to know where NOT to go?  This place is at the top of my list.
2. Public School speech therapist recognizes the services for Madison are not sufficient enough.  Have an ARD where they continue to not meet her needs and initially deny my request for a new evaluation.

March 2017:
1. My insurance denies coverage of Michael's medication. Ya know.. his heart medication..that he needs to prevent his aorta from increasing.
2.  I'm notified by M&M's therapists that my insurance may be denying coverage for them to continue in therapy services after the middle of April. Fought insurance for weeks to deal with both issues.
3. M&M see a developmental pediatrician.  She is FABULOUS. Learn Madison is being diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.  Explains all of her delays and especially her tight muscles and tip toe walking.  4. Notify public school of new diagnosis, provide them with the evaluation done by the developmental pediatrician, and request an ARD meeting to discuss. My request is denied pending the evaluation they had yet to complete.
5. I "celebrate" my 8th wedding anniversary. My 3rd anniversary all by myself.  :(
6.  Raised over $4400 for the Houston Walk for Victory for the Marfan Foundation- AMAZING!

April 2017:
1. Start advocating and contacting everyone I can regarding special education at the public school.  After talking to several people, realize I am right and need to escalate my concerns.  Notify Director of Special Education of my concerns.
2. Start working with the Lead Diagnostician to have my concerns addressed.
3. OT Evaluation is finally completed, literally the day it's due.  I don't receive the report for a week, but it recommended services, just as I expected.
4. I agree to have Madison have a full reevaluation.

May 2017:
1. M&M turn 4- how did that happen?!?!
2. M&M have hippotherapy evaluations to start services. I also write a letter asking for a scholarship to cover a portion of the cost.  I poured my heart out and shared our grief.
3. Madison is reevaluated at the school district by the Lead Diagnostician.
4. FINALLY. Almost 5 months of fighting, my daughter gets the services she needs and will start out at the public school 5 days a week for the next school year.  Both my kids will be in school 5 days a week starting in August.  YES!

June 2017:
1. Beach trip!
2. M&M start hippotherapy. So fun!
3. I find out we received the scholarship for therapy and they will cover HALF the cost. Shocked and so grateful!
4. Going on visit #5 at the orthotics place and we STILL haven't got Madison's new braces fitting correctly.  Yet another pair has been ordered and we will see in 2 weeks if those work.
5. I have 3 days to make a decision regarding something with my career and no clue what to do.

I'm so exhausted, y'all.  Mentally and emotionally completely drained.  Yes, there's been some fun, exciting, and really amazing things to have occurred the last 10 months, but there's been more exhausting, draining, and frustrating things than good.  Not to mention, M&M are 4. This age is proving to be just as not fun as 3. Sure they have their moments, but 4 year olds are opinionated, defiant, and verrrrry strong willed.  It's not easy!!

Every Friday, at the end of a long week is SO, SO, SOOOOO hard.  Friday nights used to be date night with Mike.  Even after M&M were born, we still spent several Friday's at dinner.  No cooking, unwinding after a long week, reconnecting and relaxing, and preparing for our weekend.  I don't have that anymore.  In fact, there's pretty much nothing relaxing about Fridays or the weekends anymore.  Most importantly, it's incredibly lonely. Every year since Mike died, it seems i lose more and more friends. People I thought would be there forever are pretty nonexistent or I'm excluded.  I miss Mike's outgoing personality.  He pulled people out of their comfort zones to make sure we stayed connected.  Most people aren't like that, me included.  So, instead, I just lose everyone that was once important to us.  There's people I hoped would be around to share stories of Mike with my children that won't be.  Life is hard.  Grief is hard.  Missing your husband is hard.  Raising two 4 year olds alone, trying to juggle a full time job, deal with all of the medical issues the kids have, and try and keep other people happy... it's hard.

I started this blog as an outlet to share my feelings and hoped that in some way, maybe some other young widow would read this blog and get some sort of comfort out of knowing they are not alone in their feelings.  So, if you're a young widow and reading this and struggling... know you're not alone.

My Loyal Companion

Freddy, my sweet, sweet baby boy.  10 years you've been in my life and today was the final day.  My heart is broken in to a million pieces.  I've watched you suffer for 2 days and knew it was time but that didn't make it any easier.  I needed your daddy today.  I've never felt more alone than I did today as I held you as you took your last breath.  No amount of explanation they gave me prepared me for that moment.

You have been such a good, good boy, Freddy.  You've got me through many tearful nights, many laughs, and just life in general.  I got you in June 2006.  Funny enough, your daddy and I had broke up for a short period of time and I didn't need no man! I was getting a dog!  And I got you.  Oh what a lucky, lucky girl I was to have you.  When your daddy started talking to me again, I told my roommate that if you didn't like him- he had to go!  But you looooved him.  Loved him.  You were such a daddy's boy.  I remember that night how you would keep stealing his baseball cap and it became a game to take it and run.  We laughed so hard that night.

There was a day, not long after I got you, that I lost you.  I went out with friends and when I came back you were gone.  I still have suspicions of what happened that night but it was devastating for me.  I looked all over for you and couldn't find you.  I called you and you never came.  I posted a cash reward, no questions asked, and thankfully they gave you back to me.  I was so scared.  I loved you so much already and I had only had you for like a month.

A year after you came home, we brought home your brother.  The very first night you and Chester got in to a huge fight where I got bit.  You had to show him that you were in charge and after that it was like you belonged together.  You've spent the last 9 years together and you would never know that you both came from different homes originally.  When I brought you home Sunday, Chester was so excited, his whole butt was wagging, not just his tail.  This morning, when you were having a rough time, I'm not sure if you know it but Chester came and laid down besides you.  I think he knew how sick you were.  When I came home today without you, he looked crushed.  He sniffed me, jumped on me, then walked away and laid down. I'm certain he knew in that moment that you weren't coming home.  It completely broke my heart.  Of course, he has Colt, but nothing compares to yours and Chester's bond. 

I have so many fond memories of you that I will cherish for the rest of my life- Like the first time you saw Texas Snow:

And the first time you met Santa Clause:

And when we brought home those 2 noisy, squeaky, things we called babies.

I hope you felt like you had a life well lived.  I hope you know how much I loved you.  I hope you know how much you meant to me.  I hope you know how much love you brought to my life.  I miss you so much already and I can only hope that your daddy was there in heaven waiting to meet you and hold you.  I love you my Freddy boy.   You will be missed.