What they don't tell you

When I first started writing here, it was simply an "out".  A way to release the overwhelming emotions of the roller coaster of grief I was experiencing, when I felt like my friends and family were tired of hearing about it over and over and over again.  Lately, there are waaaaay more high days than low days and I just don't have much to say about grief. This has simply become a way to share updates on my beautiful children and many, many memories

But, the reality is, I don't think that roller coaster ever ends.  I think it slows down and a lot of days it flat lines and you forget you're even on it.  Everyone tells you about the stages of grief and what you're feeling is "normal" and blah, blah, blah.  What they don't tell you is the stages are never ending, they don't go in order, and just because you went through them once doesn't mean they won't come back around.  Grief comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks.  It often makes me take a step back and a deep breath to refocus.

It comes when you go down the Seasonal aisle at Target and see Cadbury eggs, Mike's absolute favorite candy ever, and you're reminded about how you used to have to buy them and hide them so he didn't eat them all at once.

It comes when your 20 month old son is naming people in the house (Mommy- me, Mawmaw- Grandma, Dog- Colt,) and then he points to the picture of Mike and says "Daddy".  And then he does it 3 more times. The only "daddy" your son knows is a picture.

It comes when you're making homemade banana bread and then you realize that the last time you made banana bread was the night Mike died.

It comes without warning and when you least expect, no matter how happy you are. No one ever tells you that...

20 Months

M&M turned 20 months old on January 9th.  They;re getting big enough that I won't be able to provide their age in terms of months anymore!!  Flashing back to 2 years prior, Mike and I had just found out that we were going to have both a little girl and little boy at my anatomy scan!

How did we go from itty bitty babies that those pajamas in the picture would be too big for them when they were born.... to 2 years later, two 20 month old babies...er...toddlers with their own opinions and personalities.  Watching them grow is an internal struggle.  On one hand I need time to slow down so I can hold them just a little longer.  Madison isn't going to climb in to my lap, wrap her little arms all the way around my neck, and squeeze as tight as she can forever.  Michael isn't going to want me to turn on music, hold him, while we dance around the living room- and cry if you stop too soon- forever.  These are moments I never, ever, want to end.  But then, they say a new word for the first time, they love on each other, they want to help you by sweeping, throwing trash away, put up the groceries, let the dogs out, and they clap when they do something new or good that they're proud of.  Those moments make me encourage them, guide them, and get excited that they're learning and dream about their future and how they can do anything they want to do.  Hold still my heart, they aren't this little forever.  <3

Happy New Year, 2015!

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, 

for me,and I'm feeling good!"

Another year has come and gone and oh what a year it was!  I rang in the new year with one of my best friends at a place in Austin and we had a great time. 

I realized a few days ago that amongst all of the "firsts" without Mike here, it was actually the first entire calendar year that Mike was not here for a single day of.  It was simply a year of survival and adjustments and learning. A sweet friend and widow told me in the early days that all of the "firsts" were the hardest.  Even things that weren't a huge deal when Mike was alive would become huge, ordeals that had to be survived.  And survive I did.

The thing about grief is that you can't plan or prepare or ignore it. For me, that has been one of the most difficult parts of this new life.   What do you mean I can't make a plan??  But I prepared for it??  And I made myself so, so busy to ignore it??  Tears came without warning, Anniversaries, special occasions, and holidays passed slowly, and I watched both Michael and Madison pick up habits of the father that they would never remember.  

It wasn't an easy year by any stretch of the imagination.  But you know what?  I started growing into this strong, ambitious, independent woman and mother that I'm proud of.  When I started this blog, I was inspired by this saying:

 

I don't know how much further one can be pulled back after you lose your spouse and each "first" seemed like one more obstacle to get through.  That first year is now over.  I'm excited about the new year and all the amazing, wonderful things that are yet to come and looking forward to the great things my life is going to launch into.  

Bring it 2015!