What they don't tell you

When I first started writing here, it was simply an "out".  A way to release the overwhelming emotions of the roller coaster of grief I was experiencing, when I felt like my friends and family were tired of hearing about it over and over and over again.  Lately, there are waaaaay more high days than low days and I just don't have much to say about grief. This has simply become a way to share updates on my beautiful children and many, many memories

But, the reality is, I don't think that roller coaster ever ends.  I think it slows down and a lot of days it flat lines and you forget you're even on it.  Everyone tells you about the stages of grief and what you're feeling is "normal" and blah, blah, blah.  What they don't tell you is the stages are never ending, they don't go in order, and just because you went through them once doesn't mean they won't come back around.  Grief comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks.  It often makes me take a step back and a deep breath to refocus.

It comes when you go down the Seasonal aisle at Target and see Cadbury eggs, Mike's absolute favorite candy ever, and you're reminded about how you used to have to buy them and hide them so he didn't eat them all at once.

It comes when your 20 month old son is naming people in the house (Mommy- me, Mawmaw- Grandma, Dog- Colt,) and then he points to the picture of Mike and says "Daddy".  And then he does it 3 more times. The only "daddy" your son knows is a picture.

It comes when you're making homemade banana bread and then you realize that the last time you made banana bread was the night Mike died.

It comes without warning and when you least expect, no matter how happy you are. No one ever tells you that...