Dissappointing

That moment when you realize that no matter how hard you try or what you do, life will continue to be different and disappointing.  The relationships with people, how you communicate with people, all of that will always be different and at times disappointing.  There are people in my life now who came in to my life only because of my husband.  Otherwise, I wouldn't know them.  They will forever be in my life now.  That's not a bad thing, it's just different without him.  Not only different, but at times disappointing.  I'm surprised by how many people I feel disappointed by.  People who didn't live up to the expectations that I set.  That's of course by no fault of theirs, it's all on me.  I set expectations for people to meet, yet, I didn't tell them about it.  I haven't told people what I need.  I haven't stood up for myself when I have felt beat down.  I've just taken everything as it has come with no recourse.  That's no ones fault but my own. 

It's also disappointing that I thought some of these relationships could continue on just as they had before, minus Mike of course.  I expected and had hoped that no matter what, nothing would change these relationships but I'm learning these last few weeks that these relationships will continue to change and can't possibly be the same.  I don't know how to be ok with that yet.  I'm just left feeling disappointed and sad.  I think I'm most sad that in my head I have started making "plans" for my future.  Plans where I tell myself what my hopes and dreams are for the future of Madison, Michael, and myself.  But, I have no idea why I'm doing that.  I know that everything is in God's hands.  He decides my fate for the future.  He is the one who guides me in the direction my life is supposed to go.  So, if I know that, how am I already disappointing myself by failing at my own plans?

8 months old

This is a little late....hey, we're busy.  But, my sweet little messes turned 8 months old this month.  Where did my babies go?!  Mike would be so proud of their outfit this month! 

 

Madison is laid back and happy most of the time.  She refuses to crawl, although she is very capable.  She scoots and flings herself forward if she really wants something.  Maybe we just haven't figured out how to motivate her yet.  She loooves to eat.  So far, she will eat anything you give her.  Her favorite is anything you are eating or drinking.  She is capable of sleeping through the night but has been deciding to be inconsistent lately and won't.  She sleeps a few hours at a time but that's it.  She loves to be up in her walker or Exersaucer.  She is an observer.  She watches others before she does anything.  She also has a feisty side.  When she is getting frustrated she lets out this loud shriek that makes her brother cry.  :)

 

 

Michael is certainly my high maintenance child (just like his daddy!).  He is on the go everywhere and is soooo fast.  He constantly wants to be moving and can't stand being put.  He literally runs when in his walker.  I'm certain he is going to walk before his first birthday.  I'm pretty sure his first words are "get you".  We are constantly telling him "I'm going to get you" or chasing the dogs and saying it.  So now, when he takes off crawling real fast, he squeaks out something that sounds a heck of a lot like "get you".  He loves eating and his favorite things are Gerber Puffs.  He's addicted, I'm sure of it!  This child has never slept since he came out.  Now he has decided he is anti bed and doesn't want to sleep at all.  I have no idea how this child can function on so little sleep.  Despite lack of sleep, he is a very happy boy.  He laughs and smiles constantly.  He picks up on everything quickly and is extremely determined.  He wants to touch everything, take it apart, and find out how it works.  He is going to be a very determined little boy. 

 

These sweet angels love each other so much.  They give each other a hug and get upset when the other is sad.  Madison is the loving one and constantly wants to hold his hand/arm or rub his cheeks, especially when he is sad.  Michael, on the other hand, he climbs all over her and never leaves her bow in her hair!  I think they are going to grow up to be the best of friends.  I'm so blessed God chose me to be their mommy.

Overwhelming

Some days I move forward.  Some days I have a good day.  Some days I actually am *whispers* happy.  Then... all of a sudden, completely out of my control, it feels like someone just slammed a pile of bricks on to my chest and it is holding me back.  It comes when I least expect it.  I could be driving down the road and a song comes on the radio.  It could be our favorite song, a song I hate, a song played at his celebration of life, anything and I fall in to a hysterical mess.  I could see a picture of him.  M&M could do something that I call a "daddy moment" where they do something that looks just like their daddy or something that reminds me of him.  It could be a TV show. Ohhhhhh the TV shows.  I'm pretty sure if you are grieving you probably shouldn't watch TV at all! Ha!  People being in love, people dying, people breaking up, people getting married.  Yep, shouldn't watch TV!

The feelings come and go and are overwhelming.  I try to keep reminding myself that it gets better. That this isn't forever.  That one day the happy feelings will be more than the sad.  That I will be able to hear the songs, watch the shows, play with my kids, and I won't feel like I'm suffocating.  Some days I just  have to remember that I have to Keep Aim...  (this blog name is really starting to work for me! ;) )

Hard Beyond Hard Beyond Hard

Someone shared THIS article with me today on facebook.  I normally ignore these kind of post because honestly, I'm tired of hearing "God won't give you more than you can handle", "It will get better", "Have faith", etc.  The truth is God DOES give you more than you feel like you can handle, it's possible it will NOT get better and of course I have faith- why even say that? But the truth is, when you are really hurting from loss, I mean REALLY hurting, it doesn't matter what anyone does or does  not say, they are probably still going to disappoint you.

I feel like I could highlight the whole article but this is what stuck out for me the most:

         

 "You get the feeling of wanting to pull a Mike Tyson on the next person who pats you on the shoulder   and tells you, “Life is hard, but God is good.” Because really? No sheetola. Life is hard. Welcome to Planet Freaking Earth. And yes, God is good. (Amen and amen.) But sometimes you JUST WANT A BREAK FROM HARD. And no cliché, no platitude, no pat on the back, no sweet somethings from someone who cares will give you that respite for which you desperately long"

"Your husband unexpectedly passed away one year ago and with him went all of the oxygen in your lungs and in your home and you are drowning in your own grief but you have to act strong enough to help your kids not get overtaken by their own painful loss and you keep thinking it will get better or at least easier and it hasn’t and you keep putting one foot in front of the other but it doesn’t change reality. And though (most of) your friends try to be supportive very few of them truly understand and some might even judge. They want you to pull yourself up out of the trench of hard times and join their festivities of the normal. But you can’t. Because your life is different. And every day is beyond hard."

"Hard beyond hard beyond hard. Suffocatingly hard. Perpetual hyperventilation. And what makes it feel impossibly harder is that you can absolutely remember a time of life when it wasn’t this way. When faith wasn’t a fight and joy did not elude you and every day wasn’t a struggle." 

I needed this today.  I needed a reminder that when life is this bad and every night is so hard that it is ok.  And that life will be hard.  But given God's mercy, I will make it.  Thank for writing such a beautiful article, Heidi Weimar.  God spoke through you to him to me today.