Dissappointing

That moment when you realize that no matter how hard you try or what you do, life will continue to be different and disappointing.  The relationships with people, how you communicate with people, all of that will always be different and at times disappointing.  There are people in my life now who came in to my life only because of my husband.  Otherwise, I wouldn't know them.  They will forever be in my life now.  That's not a bad thing, it's just different without him.  Not only different, but at times disappointing.  I'm surprised by how many people I feel disappointed by.  People who didn't live up to the expectations that I set.  That's of course by no fault of theirs, it's all on me.  I set expectations for people to meet, yet, I didn't tell them about it.  I haven't told people what I need.  I haven't stood up for myself when I have felt beat down.  I've just taken everything as it has come with no recourse.  That's no ones fault but my own. 

It's also disappointing that I thought some of these relationships could continue on just as they had before, minus Mike of course.  I expected and had hoped that no matter what, nothing would change these relationships but I'm learning these last few weeks that these relationships will continue to change and can't possibly be the same.  I don't know how to be ok with that yet.  I'm just left feeling disappointed and sad.  I think I'm most sad that in my head I have started making "plans" for my future.  Plans where I tell myself what my hopes and dreams are for the future of Madison, Michael, and myself.  But, I have no idea why I'm doing that.  I know that everything is in God's hands.  He decides my fate for the future.  He is the one who guides me in the direction my life is supposed to go.  So, if I know that, how am I already disappointing myself by failing at my own plans?