9 months

It's been 9 months.  9 long, frustrating, life changing, lonely, busy, sleepless, soul searching months of my life without the one man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. My life has changed so much in 9 months.  I found this article online that gave examples of things you could do in 9 months:

1. Develop a child within your womb (if you’re a human female).
2. Grow 4.5 inches of hair.
3. Watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (Extended Edition) 532 times.
4.  Read the Harry Potter series 168 times (on an average of 1.5 weeks per read through of the series).
5.  Boil 36288 rounds of corn on the cob (on an average of 10 minutes per boil).
6.  Get an average night’s rest of 9 hours 672 times.
7.  Watch a butterfly appear from a cocoon after it makes it about 25.2 times.

Let that sink in for a minute.  The most memorable 9 months of my life were the 9 months leading up to my wedding and all the excitement and planning that went in to it.  And then 4 years later, the 9 months being pregnant with M&M and all of the excitement and planning that went in to preparing for these two little beings coming in to our world.  The last 9 months of my life have been less than memorable.  I feel like I missed at least 4 months of my children's life because I was living in a complete haze.  When I try and remember some of their milestones in those 4 months it is like my mind is completely blank and that breaks my heart. 

In the last 9 months of my life:
1. I celebrated our birthdays for the first time without Mike.
2. I celebrated all of the major holidays without Mike (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's, St. Patricks' Day)
3. M&M had their first birthday without their daddy
4. M&M went on their first road trips (short ones to Conroe and a long one to Lubbock)
5. We watched Mike's grandparents remarry after 35 years when they were 81 and 82 years old.
6. I got through my 5th wedding anniversary without my husband.
7. I got through Mother's day and Father's day without my husband.
8. I was able to keep my house when I thought I was going to have to sell it.
9. I've come to see how truly amazing some of my friends are.
10. I've learned that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I EVER imagined I could be.
11. I've come to believe that I can survive anything.

My life will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  I'm not the same person I was 9 months ago and I never ever will be.  This time last year Mike and I were trying to come up with a routine to care for our newborn twins.  Life is so, so different.

June 2013

 

June 2014

Cake Smashin'

So, I had this post saved to a draft and never posted it.  Nothing like a month and a half late.  The cuteness was worth the wait, promise!!

Michael and Madison definitely got their father's sweet tooth.  Mike wanted something sweet pretty much daily so it's no surprise to me that these two love cake.  For starters, my amazing cake was made by Jessica with Not Your Ordinary Cakes.

I almost didn't have a cake. This whole ordeal was so stressful because the original baker I was going to use canceled on me 3 days before the party.  I had already called 5 people before I called this one and none were able to make their cakes.  I had pretty much come to the realization I was going to have to scratch my dreams for an awesome cake and go order one from HEB and that made me SO upset.   I definitely was having a pity party.  And then I called Jessica with Not Your Ordinary Cakes.

She was amazing. She was so nice and so helpful and most importantly was AVAILABLE!!  I sent her some Pinterest links of what I was wanting and my invitations and told her to have at it.  The cake tasted delicious and looked so awesome.  I was worried about giving the kids the smash cakes with fondant on them but they loved it and it dissolved in their mouth.  Not to mention, I hate fondant, but I could have eaten pieces of this fondant all by itself.  It was so, so, so good.  I highly recommend her if you are local and in need of a yummy and awesome looking cake!

And the cakes were definitely Michael and Madison approved:

 

For kids that had really never had any sugar, they went.to.town!  At the end, Madison literally used the butter cream as lotion.  She kept rubbing it up and down her legs and in between her toes!  I have no idea what she was doing!

I still can't believe my babies are a year old!  Where has this year gone?!

Father's Day

I never anticipated today being a hard day for me.  After all, I have more dad's in my life than I could hope for.  I have my dad who is just that- my dad.

I have my step-dad, who never for a second has treated me like anything other than his very own daughter.

And I have an amazing father in law, who continues to treat me as though I've always belonged in his family.

But today, I am so, so, so sad.  Just a little over a year and a month ago, I watched this guy become a father for the first time.

I watched someone that I had known for 7 years of my life become a dad.  Someone who had a laugh that would light up a room.  Someone that could find a way to smile in any circumstance.  Someone who in the scariest of circumstances always remained calm.  

Someone who completed me.  Someone who was reasonable when I wasn't.  Someone who was laid back when I could be high strung.  Someone who went above and beyond to cheer other people up. Someone who made me laugh even when I was so mad.

That day our life changed.  No more Friday night date nights every week.  No more quiet nights just being in each others presence. No more just thinking about us.  We all of a sudden were responsible for not one, but two, additional little lives every.single.day.

But in those moments, the moments just before M&M were born, the moments right after they were born, I felt more connected to my husband than I ever had before.  Watching him look at them, talk to them, it was unlike anything I could have ever imagined. 

He loved them so much.  He loved them more than anything in this entire world.  That's one of the few things I know with all certainty.  I can't believe they are spending father's day without their daddy.  Life is so, so unfair at times.  This is certainly one of them.

Someone posted the above picture on a facebook group I'm in.  I'm trying to remember this today.  That when I miss him so much my entire body hurts, literally, that I have so much to be grateful for.  And the most important thing to be grateful for, that I have two incredibly precious children all thanks to Mike.  

I love you so much and miss you terribly babe.  Happy Father's day!!

Sometimes

This post might make me sound crazy.  But, I'm ok with that...

Sometimes... I feel him.  I feel like he is standing right here with me.  It's like an overwhelming comfort comes over me like never before.  It happened Saturday. I went with Mike's parents to the Texas Longhorns baseball game where my Horns clenched a spot in to the College World Series.  Texas baseball is a Mike thing.  I've always been more of a football girl but his love of baseball has certainly worn off on me.  I can only imagine the look of excitement on his face, the smiles he would have had.  He would have been so proud of his team that day, so proud to be on Longhorn.

Mike's parents were taking me home and we decided to stop by the cemetery on the way home.  It was soooo hot outside, but a pretty day.  It is always so, so peaceful out at his graveside.  That huge shade tree is just the perfect place. 

I was standing at the head of his grave, with my eyes closed, silently talking to him.  Telling him how much I loved him, how much I missed him, and talking about our Longhorns.  That's when I felt him.  The wind started blowing directly in my face, never ceasing.  It was as though the wind picked up and wouldn't stop blowing.  I thought to myself that it was just trying to keep me cool.  And then, it felt like he was right behind me. Mike had this way that if I was standing somewhere, he would come up behind me, wrap both of his arms all the way around me on my shoulders and hold me.  I fit perfectly at his chest since he was so much taller than me.  I felt him there.  I felt his arms wrapped tightly around me, his head on top of my head.  I felt secure.  Comforted.  For just a minute.  And then it was gone.

I took those moments for granted when he was alive.  He would come up and do that to me in the grocery store and I would shrug him off and tell him to get off of me.  If I was busy and doing something I would tell him to get off.  I would be annoyed because I just wanted to get done whatever it was I was doing that I felt like was more important at that time.  What in the world was more important than taking a minute for my husband's loving touch?  He loved me.  He was showing affection to me.  And I would blow him off.  What kind of wife is that?  Our marriage wasn't perfect.  No one's is.  But, it's these small moments, that make me beat myself up.  Because I just want one. more. small moment.  Just one more embrace, hug, kiss, just one more moment with Mike.  And that won't ever happen.  For now, I hold on to the small moments when I feel like he is right here, right next to me, comforting me.