2 years

2 years ago, my life came to a screeching halt.

2 years ago, I put Madison to sleep while Mike rocked Michael to sleep. We climbed in to bed.  Together.  He wrapped his arm around me and I fell asleep on his chest.  In that moment, while sheer exhaustion was setting in (thanks to our 4 month old children), I thought our life was starting over.  I thought we were in a place where we were finding our new groove, our new normal.  M&M turned our life upside down.  No amount of preparation could prepare you for life with two newborns.  2 kids not sleeping with reflux were soooo hard.  We weren't sleeping.  Marriage was hard. Life was hard. But.. it was getting there again.

Then my entire world came crashing down.

It's been 2 years and I still can visualize him walking out of my house with EMS. I can still feel the last time he wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me before he left.  But, I can also still see him with all of the tubes and machines in the ER.  The doctor on top of him doing CPR.  His body feeling soooo cold after he was gone.  Laying on his chest in the hospital.  Holding his hand at the viewing and not wanting to leave.  Feeling like I was going to collapse on the ground at the graveside before they put his casket in the ground, but feeling my dad and uncle grab me and put me back in the chair.

I miss him so much.  I miss his smile.  I miss his laugh. I miss his infectious personality.  I miss how he could make friends with anybody.  I miss how loving and affectionate he was.  After a long and stressful day it used to drive me nuts that he always wanted to wrap those super long arms around me, then in an attempt to make me laugh, he would refuse to let me go.  Oh, what I wouldn't give for him to do that right now.  Just one more time.

I thought I had found my happily ever after.  I thought I had everything I had ever wanted or needed.  And then in an instant... it's gone.

2 years ago, I felt pain, confusion, shock, fear, loneliness, and complete emptiness.  Now, 2 years later, there are STILL days I feel all of those things.  Today, especially.

I miss you, Mike.  Every.Single.Day.  Life is so lonely without you.  I'm so sad Michael and Madison will never know and love you the way I do, that they will never know the joy you brought to life, that they will never get to see and feel just how much you loved them.

I love you more than the world, Michael, and I always will.  I hope you're proud of me, the mother I am to our children and of the life decisions I've had to make without you.  It would be so much easier with you.

What if?

Spending a lot of time stuck in "what if" mode today.  3 years ago today was a bittersweet day for Mike and I.  I took the day off and had no intentions of doing anything but lying in bed sulking and watching trashy tv. Perhaps with a gallon of ice cream. Because ice cream makes everything better, right? September 24, 2012 was supposed to be our first baby's due date. We were supposed to be having a baby and happy and everything exciting that comes with being new parents.  Unfortunately, in February earlier that year, those dreams were stripped from us when we had a miscarriage.  

I've said many times I've listed to our Pastor preach and one of the sermons that has always stuck out to me the most was the one where he said "God's not saying 'no.' He's just saying 'Not right now'". That never rang truer for me when I woke up on that morning. I decided to terrorize myself and go ahead and take a pregnancy test. I just knew it was going to be negative.  But, at least then I would know, and I could go on with my day pouting.  Real optimistic I am, right??

So, I took that pregnancy test. And it wasn't negative. It very quickly said PREGNANT!  I couldn't believe it. I ranged from shocked, to disbelief, to happy, to crying, to running and jumping on my husband screaming and waking him up.

Bittersweet, right?

Today, as we are approaching the two year anniversary of Mike's death, I keep thinking "what if"?

What if I hadn't miscarried the first baby?  What if on the 24th, I actually did have that baby.  Just one baby, not twins.  We were in a different place then.  We had different jobs then. Our relationship was in a different place.  Having one baby would have been easier. Still hard, but easier. Would Mike at least have got to spend all of the firsts with our child then?  Would we even have had M&M?  Would Mike still be alive? So many "what ifs".

Really struggling with the "why me"?  I know God is faithful. I know his plan is far greater than any plan I continue to try and make for myself, but dang it, if he could give me a glimpse, that'd be great. 

1st day of Preschool!

I contemplated throwing this in to our catch-up post but figured it was significant enough that it deserved it's own.  A huuuuge milestone for Michael and Madison this month.  Michael and Madison started their first day of Preschool!!

Seriously.  Where did my babies go?  Just 3 years ago, Mike and I were trying to have a baby.  We had no idea what was in store for us.  We had no idea that in just a few weeks we would find out I was pregnant....on the due date of a baby I miscarried.  In just a month and a half, we would find out that baby was actually TWO babies.  That in just a few months I would spending 24+ hours in labor trying to get these two in to the world.  That in just over a year, I would bury my husband and father of my 4 month old twins.  And 2 years later, here we are.  

I struggle constantly with the "why"?  Why me?  What did I do wrong? Why my kids? It's been 2 years this month and I thought by now some of these intense feelings of grief would disappear, but they haven't.  In some aspects, it's intensified.  The first year, I think I was mostly numb to the grief, oblivious that this was my life.  Now, it's a glaring reality.  There's no hiding anymore. In 23 days he will have been gone for 2 years.  He's missed so much of M&M's life. I miss him.  

The first day was hard.  For me.  Not M&M.  They walked in to school and literally waved me away.  I had to ask for a hug and a kiss before I left.  They're just going to thrive in Preschool.  I can't wait to see how much they learn and grow.  I know the interaction with other children is going to be huge for them.  For me, it was hard to walk away from my kids.  Leaving them in the hands of strangers, when they're not quite old enough to tell me if something is wrong, oh the fears!  Then there were all the parents- all the moms and dads.  The sign in sheet where there's a spot for "mom" and a spot for "dad" and M&M are the only ones who don't have anyone in the "dad" spot.  Then this month the theme is "family".  And M&M don't even know what a dad is.  It's heartbreaking to me.  I never could have dreamed life would turn out this way.  I hope that one day, M&M will have the family I always wanted for them, and they never truly feel the heartbreak that I have felt. They deserve the world.  

I think The University of Texas' slogan is relevant here... What starts here [at preschool] changes the world.  Change the world, Michael and Madison, I know you can.

Catch up Overload

Did you miss us?? A lot has happened since M&M's birthday and I only have the energy for one post, so be ready for a lot of rambling and a lot of photos!

Just a few weeks after M&M's birthday, we went to the beach with Mike's parents, grandparents, brother, and cousin.  We went to Port Aransas and they rented this gorgeous 5 bedroom beach house. It was easily the most relaxing, stress-free, vacation I've ever been on.  On the other hand, I really missed Mike.  I watched our kids laugh hard, smile endlessly, and just jump in with both feet fearlessly.  Their dad should have been here.  I shouldn't have had to sit on the side of the beach, watching my kids have some of the happiest days of their life, by myself.  It's moments like this that are the hardest and the saddest and the most lonely for me. But, as hard as it was, we got through it and M&M had the absolute best time!

I mean, how GORGEOUS is this place?!

The awesome beach house!  I would share the details, but I don't want anyone stealing it! ;)

The beach is his happy place.  He was fearless.  He smiled continuously.

This is my TWO year old floating in the water.  He just took off like there wasn't a huge ocean waiting to gobble him up.  I love this little boy's brave heart.

She loves the water but not as much as her brother.  The sand, however, she loves to build castles, and loves to destroy them just as much.

I love how these two love ME.  The satisfaction I get from being their mom is amazing to me. 

Our beach house was right next to the pool so the final morning we spent some time swimming.  

This guy is part fish and loves his uncle "Flip"!

The first day, as soon as well strolled up to the beach, this nice lady came over and was like "Hey! Can I show them this shark we caught?!"  Ummmm.... not exactly what you want to hear as you are walking up to the beach! lol  Luckily she shared that they were actually Deep Sea Fishing.

So thankful these two took us along on their trip!

 Michael found his cheesin' face this summer and man this boy is cute!

My sweet girl has found her "mean" face. She has some serious sass about her!

We had some beautiful pictures taken by the incredibly talented Libby of Libby Ann Photography for the Fourth of July!  I so cherish professional pictures!

There was a glorious day where these two took a 3 hour nap!  If that wasn't incredible enough, I went in there, turned on the lights, made noise, called their names, and nothing.  They didn't even move!  

They have learned that they loooove Mexican food.  They definitely take after their daddy and I.

 I learned what 2 year old tantrums are like.  Fortunately, on occasion, I get a tantrum like this from Madison.  She runs away crying, throws herself on the ground, and doesn't move. She turns in to a log.  A SILENT log, which is the best part. lol  My favorite part of this picture is Michael's face.  He is wondering what the heck is going on!! 

M&M went to their first softball game to watch Momma's team play.  Madison tried to scale the fence a time or two.

They went to the Houston Zoo for the very first time. They loved the monkeys/gorillas!

And Madison hugged and kissed a goat.  haha This girl. She loves with her whole soul!

Last not but least, M&M went to their first football game.  It was like deja vu.  At my high school, watching my younger brother play varsity football, with MY children in tow.  Crazy!  I was really concerned about how they were going to do. M&M have a bedtime of 6pm.  The game didn't start until 7:30pm, it was loud, there was band playing, a lot going on with the cheerleaders in front of us, and lots of people screaming, directly behind us. But, in the end, they did fantastic.  They cheered, they were mesmerized, they sat, they watched, it was great.  They made it well in to the 3rd quarter before we went home.  I was so proud of them and I think they had a great time!

Awestruck with the band.  

Proud Momma moment since I ate, breathed, and lived band for so many years!

What you can't see in this picture is Madison is clapping and yelling "Gooooo!" while Michael is yelling "Go BB!" Cutest. Cheerleaders. Ever.

Annnd Crash.  This is about when we decided it was time to go home!

So many fun and new things Michael and Madison have experienced.  I always imagined doing all of these things with my husband.  I never imagined doing everything by myself.