1st day of Preschool!

I contemplated throwing this in to our catch-up post but figured it was significant enough that it deserved it's own.  A huuuuge milestone for Michael and Madison this month.  Michael and Madison started their first day of Preschool!!

Seriously.  Where did my babies go?  Just 3 years ago, Mike and I were trying to have a baby.  We had no idea what was in store for us.  We had no idea that in just a few weeks we would find out I was pregnant....on the due date of a baby I miscarried.  In just a month and a half, we would find out that baby was actually TWO babies.  That in just a few months I would spending 24+ hours in labor trying to get these two in to the world.  That in just over a year, I would bury my husband and father of my 4 month old twins.  And 2 years later, here we are.  

I struggle constantly with the "why"?  Why me?  What did I do wrong? Why my kids? It's been 2 years this month and I thought by now some of these intense feelings of grief would disappear, but they haven't.  In some aspects, it's intensified.  The first year, I think I was mostly numb to the grief, oblivious that this was my life.  Now, it's a glaring reality.  There's no hiding anymore. In 23 days he will have been gone for 2 years.  He's missed so much of M&M's life. I miss him.  

The first day was hard.  For me.  Not M&M.  They walked in to school and literally waved me away.  I had to ask for a hug and a kiss before I left.  They're just going to thrive in Preschool.  I can't wait to see how much they learn and grow.  I know the interaction with other children is going to be huge for them.  For me, it was hard to walk away from my kids.  Leaving them in the hands of strangers, when they're not quite old enough to tell me if something is wrong, oh the fears!  Then there were all the parents- all the moms and dads.  The sign in sheet where there's a spot for "mom" and a spot for "dad" and M&M are the only ones who don't have anyone in the "dad" spot.  Then this month the theme is "family".  And M&M don't even know what a dad is.  It's heartbreaking to me.  I never could have dreamed life would turn out this way.  I hope that one day, M&M will have the family I always wanted for them, and they never truly feel the heartbreak that I have felt. They deserve the world.  

I think The University of Texas' slogan is relevant here... What starts here [at preschool] changes the world.  Change the world, Michael and Madison, I know you can.