What if?

Spending a lot of time stuck in "what if" mode today.  3 years ago today was a bittersweet day for Mike and I.  I took the day off and had no intentions of doing anything but lying in bed sulking and watching trashy tv. Perhaps with a gallon of ice cream. Because ice cream makes everything better, right? September 24, 2012 was supposed to be our first baby's due date. We were supposed to be having a baby and happy and everything exciting that comes with being new parents.  Unfortunately, in February earlier that year, those dreams were stripped from us when we had a miscarriage.  

I've said many times I've listed to our Pastor preach and one of the sermons that has always stuck out to me the most was the one where he said "God's not saying 'no.' He's just saying 'Not right now'". That never rang truer for me when I woke up on that morning. I decided to terrorize myself and go ahead and take a pregnancy test. I just knew it was going to be negative.  But, at least then I would know, and I could go on with my day pouting.  Real optimistic I am, right??

So, I took that pregnancy test. And it wasn't negative. It very quickly said PREGNANT!  I couldn't believe it. I ranged from shocked, to disbelief, to happy, to crying, to running and jumping on my husband screaming and waking him up.

Bittersweet, right?

Today, as we are approaching the two year anniversary of Mike's death, I keep thinking "what if"?

What if I hadn't miscarried the first baby?  What if on the 24th, I actually did have that baby.  Just one baby, not twins.  We were in a different place then.  We had different jobs then. Our relationship was in a different place.  Having one baby would have been easier. Still hard, but easier. Would Mike at least have got to spend all of the firsts with our child then?  Would we even have had M&M?  Would Mike still be alive? So many "what ifs".

Really struggling with the "why me"?  I know God is faithful. I know his plan is far greater than any plan I continue to try and make for myself, but dang it, if he could give me a glimpse, that'd be great.