2 years

2 years ago, my life came to a screeching halt.

2 years ago, I put Madison to sleep while Mike rocked Michael to sleep. We climbed in to bed.  Together.  He wrapped his arm around me and I fell asleep on his chest.  In that moment, while sheer exhaustion was setting in (thanks to our 4 month old children), I thought our life was starting over.  I thought we were in a place where we were finding our new groove, our new normal.  M&M turned our life upside down.  No amount of preparation could prepare you for life with two newborns.  2 kids not sleeping with reflux were soooo hard.  We weren't sleeping.  Marriage was hard. Life was hard. But.. it was getting there again.

Then my entire world came crashing down.

It's been 2 years and I still can visualize him walking out of my house with EMS. I can still feel the last time he wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me before he left.  But, I can also still see him with all of the tubes and machines in the ER.  The doctor on top of him doing CPR.  His body feeling soooo cold after he was gone.  Laying on his chest in the hospital.  Holding his hand at the viewing and not wanting to leave.  Feeling like I was going to collapse on the ground at the graveside before they put his casket in the ground, but feeling my dad and uncle grab me and put me back in the chair.

I miss him so much.  I miss his smile.  I miss his laugh. I miss his infectious personality.  I miss how he could make friends with anybody.  I miss how loving and affectionate he was.  After a long and stressful day it used to drive me nuts that he always wanted to wrap those super long arms around me, then in an attempt to make me laugh, he would refuse to let me go.  Oh, what I wouldn't give for him to do that right now.  Just one more time.

I thought I had found my happily ever after.  I thought I had everything I had ever wanted or needed.  And then in an instant... it's gone.

2 years ago, I felt pain, confusion, shock, fear, loneliness, and complete emptiness.  Now, 2 years later, there are STILL days I feel all of those things.  Today, especially.

I miss you, Mike.  Every.Single.Day.  Life is so lonely without you.  I'm so sad Michael and Madison will never know and love you the way I do, that they will never know the joy you brought to life, that they will never get to see and feel just how much you loved them.

I love you more than the world, Michael, and I always will.  I hope you're proud of me, the mother I am to our children and of the life decisions I've had to make without you.  It would be so much easier with you.