One year.

A year ago today, my life changed tremendously. I literally climbed in to bed on the 29th, my sweet 4 month old babies sound asleep in their pack and plays next to my bed, my dogs asleep at my feet, wrapped up in my husband's arms, my head on his chest, I fell asleep. My whole world was right there.  In minutes my world was turned upside down.

The memories of that day are not as traumatic as they were 12 months ago.  But, days like today, where memories of Mike are so strong, I remember the details..  The visions, sounds, and feelings of seeing my husband limp on the table, doctors standing on top of him doing CPR, an ER full of people trying desperately to save him, feeling the social worker hold me up from behind me, watching friends sitting in another room anxiously waiting, watching the feelings of numbness as I literally screamed at God- begging him to not take Mike-bribing Him and promising Him, throwing up multiple times while waiting, the reoccurring image of watching Mike WALK out of my house-talking, breathing, ALIVE and wishing I could run up to him and hug and kiss him one last time, the guilt-the overwhelming guilt, the coulda-woulda-shouldas feelings, walking in to my house the very first time without him, seeing him lying in a casket and having to walk away, walking in to a room of literally hundreds of people all there to celebrate my husband's life, feeling completely numb hugging all of those people who wanted to give me their condolences, seeing the clock turn 5:30pm every day for weeks and him still not coming in our front door from work, sleeping in my bed for the very first time without him, "celebrating" our 5th wedding anniversary without my husband, spending all of my children's first holidays without their father.  So, so, SO hard.

But most importantly, I've realized just how thankful I should be and how thankful I am. I'm thankful for all of the people who promised they would call, stop by, check in with me, etc., and who actually followed through.  Thankful for all the people that went out of their way to remind me I wasn't alone even in some of the absolute darkest times of my life.  Thankful for the people that literally drug me out of the black hole I all too often found myself slipping in to.  Thankful for the people that just sat here.  Sat here and held my hand, hugged me, listened to me talk, listened to me cry, let me scream, made me laugh.  For the friends who just showed up and didn't ask.  For the friends who just did something without asking me what I needed.  For the tons of meals people brought by to make sure I would eat.  For the diapers, formula, clothes, and other baby supplies people sent so that I didn't have to worry about meeting Michael and Madison's needs.  For all of the people that sent in donations that helped pay my bills while I tried to figure out how to go from two incomes to one. For the people that mowed my grass and cleaned my house.

I'm sad that the life I planned for myself abruptly came to an end.  That my children lost their dad at 4 months old and they will never hear his infectious laugh, Madison will never get to see how much she melted her daddy's heart, Michael will never get to throw a baseball with his daddy and then watch their favorite Texas Rangers play, but just most importantly that they just didn't get enough time with him. I'm sad that I didn't get enough time with him.  8 years wasn't enough.  I'm sad that I have had to navigate the last 12 moths of parenthood- with twins- all by myself.  Sure- I have an enormous amount of family/friend support.  But what about my teammate?  The one person that is on your side no matter what.  I'm sad I didn't have that.  That the one person I thought I was going to navigate life with isn't here.

I'm thankful for the overwhelming amount of friends and family that knew Mike or didn't know Mike that have come around.  This is everyone that in some way has been a part of my life the last 12 months.   People that don't even know me.  Friends and family we've not talked to in years.  My online mom's group.  Y'all- the collective group of y'all- are the reason I survived this year.  I'm just thankful.  I'm thankful that in the absolute worst moments of my life I was surrounded by an entire army ready to fight for me and my children to get us through.  It's because of you, and the support you gave us, that we survived the last year, that I learned I'm capable of a hell of a lot more than I thought I was, and that I've come to truly believe that there has to be a whole lot more in mine and my children's future to have gone through this absolute hell at such a young age for all of us. 

Someone shared this quote with me, from the movie, "Cast Away":

"...I had power over NOTHING. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

My friends/family- you were the warm blanket that came over me and helped me to realize I had to keep breathing, keep moving, and keep living.  Without every person, new and old, that's helped me through this last year of my life, there is no way I would have survived losing the most important man in my life.  So, thank you.  

The 3 of us... we're going to be just fine.  Who knows what the tide could bring in?

{Photo courtesy of Life in Motion Photography}

Calm before the Storm

If there was ever a caption for this picture... it would be "The Calm Before the Storm".

September 29th, 2013.  Pretty sure this is around 6am.  We're still a family of 4.  Both babies wake up and want to eat so they get put in our bed.  Mike woke up and fed Madison.  I fed Michael.  As my little guy is still eating, I look over to Madison, going to sleep, holding her daddy's hand.  My whole world is in this picture.  I had NO idea that in about 16 hours my whole world as I knew it would come to a screeching halt.  That my family of 4 was about to become 3.  That the man I vowed to love, honor, and spend the rest of my life with would be leaving me all alone and never coming back.  That my kids were no longer going to have their father.  That THIS would be the VERY LAST time I would wake up in the morning with my husband laying next to me.  I had NO idea what life was about to have in store for me.  NO idea.

M&M are famous!

I'm part of an awesome mom's group who has done a ton to be a support for me in the last year. They are an incredible group of friends and at any given moment there is always someone willing to jump in and help however it is needed.  They started out as a group of friends planning weddings, then newlyweds, and then parents.  They've experience many seasons of life with me and I'm thankful for them.  It's a pretty diverse group of ladies and I'm thankful to know some AMAZING photographers as a result of this group of ladies.  Happy Soul Photography took the Halloween Chewbacca and Yoda pictures from last year. 

Libby Ann Photograpy took the adorable Christmas car/tree pictures last year.  

Both of which were fundraisers that my family benefited from after struggling with the loss of Mike last year.

Then there is Lyndsay with Life in Motion Photographer.  She offered up her own personal time and resources just for us.  I had dreamed of my first family photos once Mike and I had children and we never got that opportunity.  But then, Lyndsay offered to take pictures for the kids and I.  I was so overwhelmed with gratitude.  And then I actually saw the pictures.  So, so thankful. 

You can see their pictures over on her blog, HERE. 

Lyndsay- thank you again from the bottom of my heart.  I'm so thankful to have these pictures and that you were able to capture any smiles at all.  I love them and you! 

16 months

These two make the world a brighter place!  Watching them grow, and learned, and experience life is such an exciting and wonderful thing for me as their mom.  They turned 16 months 9 days ago and boy are they busy, busy!!  I'll let the pics speak for themselves!

15 months going on 16

Wowza does my little people have some serious personalities!  They're 15 months old today.  Where in the world has the time gone?!  I'm so incredibly blessed to be their mom.  Life has a funny way of turning out.  These two?  They rock my world!

Michael is 110% boy.  He runs.  From point A to B, away from me, up the stairs, straight towards me, on his sister.  If he is doing it- he is running to it.  He climbs.  Everything.  The stairs, the couch, boxes, attempts to climb on his balls, and end to his toy box.  He is a busy, busy boy!  He talks non stop although I have no idea what he is saying 99.9% of the time.  His laugh- absolutely infectious.  He laughs at the most random moments, when he is in trouble, when he is playing, when I walk in the door, always, always laughing and I love it.  But let me tell you- this boy?  He can throw a mean temper tantrum!  When he wants something he definitely lets you know it- loudly!  His smile, happy-go-lucky personality, and his temper tantrums- all 100% his daddy.  He makes me laugh just like his daddy did.  When he smiles- he looks just like Mike.  The bigger he gets- the more he looks like his daddy. 

He loves Watermelon, pineapple, blueberries, green beans, and sweet tea. He loves balls.  He and Madison take all of their balls- big and small- and play with them on the tile floor in the entry way of the house so they bounce.  He also loves Legos and his super fun tunnel.  He likes to pull it over on his head and stand in one place.  He is so.much.fun!  But- my favorite thing by far- he loves to dance with me.  He doesn't want to hold my hands and dance.  He wants me to turn on music, pick him up, hold him and dance around the room.  He lays his head on my shoulder and hums.  I two step around the living room holding him.  If I stop- he picks his head up and shakes his body until I start moving again. Melts.my.heart!

Madison- my sweet princess.  She may be little but fierce.  She is 2 inches shorter than her brother,  and only .4 pounds heavier.  She has finally started walking but still likes walking on her tippee toes.  She gets around pretty good though.  She chases her brother everywhere.  He definitely runs the show, but she follows suit.  She is so sensitive. If her brother yells, or you yell at the dog, she cries as though she thinks she is being yelled at.  She laughs constantly. She has this precious little giggle.  She looks so much like me- it's scary!  She is strong willed and stubborn- also just like me. haha

She loves mac and cheese, watermelon, pineapple, green beans, and sweet tea.  She also surprised me tonight and devoured 5 grilled okra.  My kids are SUCH good eaters- it's crazy!  She also loves balls just like her brother.  She loves music and her little ride on cars. My favorite thing- lately she has gotten so much more loving.  I can climb on the floor and she climbs right in my lap to snuggle.  Or if I am holding Michael, she holds on to my leg until I pick her up too.  Precious!

I love these two more than any words I could say.  They are my absolute whole world.  God knew what he was doing by making me their mom.  So blessed!

The valley

A lot can change in a short period of time.  A lot.  You would think I would realize that since my life changed so quickly and abruptly.  But, when grief has completely consumed you for so long, it is really hard to believe that it is ever going to change.  But you know what, it can.  A week ago was 10 months Mike has been gone.  I woke up and there were no tears.  I didn't cry, I wasn't overwhelmed with emotions, I was ok.  That was different.  Even more so than that.... I've been happy.  No particular reason why, nothing has happened, but I've just been happy.  I didn't think I would ever feel that again.  But I have, and it's a great feeling.

I saw this on Joel Osteen's Ministry page on Facebook:

David says in Psalm 23:4, “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...” He didn’t say, “I stay in the valley, I build my house in the valley, I live in the valley.” No, he said in effect, “I’m coming out of the valley.” The valley is temporary.

I'm coming out of the valley, y'all.

9 months

It's been 9 months.  9 long, frustrating, life changing, lonely, busy, sleepless, soul searching months of my life without the one man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. My life has changed so much in 9 months.  I found this article online that gave examples of things you could do in 9 months:

1. Develop a child within your womb (if you’re a human female).
2. Grow 4.5 inches of hair.
3. Watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (Extended Edition) 532 times.
4.  Read the Harry Potter series 168 times (on an average of 1.5 weeks per read through of the series).
5.  Boil 36288 rounds of corn on the cob (on an average of 10 minutes per boil).
6.  Get an average night’s rest of 9 hours 672 times.
7.  Watch a butterfly appear from a cocoon after it makes it about 25.2 times.

Let that sink in for a minute.  The most memorable 9 months of my life were the 9 months leading up to my wedding and all the excitement and planning that went in to it.  And then 4 years later, the 9 months being pregnant with M&M and all of the excitement and planning that went in to preparing for these two little beings coming in to our world.  The last 9 months of my life have been less than memorable.  I feel like I missed at least 4 months of my children's life because I was living in a complete haze.  When I try and remember some of their milestones in those 4 months it is like my mind is completely blank and that breaks my heart. 

In the last 9 months of my life:
1. I celebrated our birthdays for the first time without Mike.
2. I celebrated all of the major holidays without Mike (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's, St. Patricks' Day)
3. M&M had their first birthday without their daddy
4. M&M went on their first road trips (short ones to Conroe and a long one to Lubbock)
5. We watched Mike's grandparents remarry after 35 years when they were 81 and 82 years old.
6. I got through my 5th wedding anniversary without my husband.
7. I got through Mother's day and Father's day without my husband.
8. I was able to keep my house when I thought I was going to have to sell it.
9. I've come to see how truly amazing some of my friends are.
10. I've learned that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I EVER imagined I could be.
11. I've come to believe that I can survive anything.

My life will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  I'm not the same person I was 9 months ago and I never ever will be.  This time last year Mike and I were trying to come up with a routine to care for our newborn twins.  Life is so, so different.

June 2013

 

June 2014