Changes

Big, big changes coming in the Shaw house.  

I guess it's official now because I've told my boss and staff.  We are moving to Houston! I start June 27th.  I'll be in the same position I am here, just in Region 06.  So many emotions- excited, scared, sad, angry.  This was definitely a bittersweet decision for me. 

When Mike and I bought this house 6 years ago, almost to the day, we had such big plans for it and our growing family.  Some of those plans got put in motion and cabinets were added, new appliances, crown molding, etc., but some weren't.  Most importantly, we bought this home with children in mind and a family in mind.  That was cut all too short.  

With that said, I can't live in this house anymore.  When Mike died and I thought I was going to have to sell the house, I was DEVASTATED.  Beyond words.  Then, by the grace of God and all of the support of friends and family, I was able to get by for a few months until I could figure everything out in order to stay in our home.  But, all of the years of laughter and happiness and hopes and dreams have pretty much disappeared.  I still "see" the last place I saw him alive, still see him where everything happened, still see specific memories- happy and sad- of him all through the house and it's just too much.  I feel like I'm stuck in a rut the past 2 years and no matter what I do I can't move forward.  I can't do it anymore.  I used to be happy most of the time, and full of life, and liked to get out and do things, and now I'm isolated... in a house full of crushed dreams.  

I want to be happy again.  I don't know what that looks like anymore.  But, I know I need some major changes in order to take that step in the right direction. So... I move forward.  I'm starting a job in unfamiliar territory.  Moving to a town where I don't know where anything is.  I'm selling the only home M&M have ever known to hopefully build them a better one.  I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, out of the "plans" I've made for my life and letting go.  I'm hoping God catches me and guides me in the right direction so I don't fall. 

Here's to new and exciting adventures in 2016.

Don't blink

Don't blink. Your entire life can change in a matter of minutes. Literally. One minute you can be kissing your husband goodbye fully expecting to see him shortly and the next you can be sitting in a room that feels like a closed in box, being told your husband is "really sick" and "they're working on him" and they're not letting you see him. And when you do... He's not breathing. 

Today should be our 7th wedding anniversary. I vowed to spend the rest of my life with him.  Instead, I've spent the last 3 wedding anniversaries alone. We had big plans for our future. We dreamt of what was to come. We planned out what we wanted. We had JUST started our family together. Everything was taken from me way too soon. 

I miss Mike. I miss his laugh. His uncanny ability to make me smile through anything. Having him to lay with me at night. To hold my hand in the store. Feeling like I always had someone on my side. I miss his smile and hearing his voice. Watching stupid sci-fi shows as I fell asleep and he fought insomnia. His ability to always get the best and most memorable gifts. Going on dates. Trying new things. Most of all, I just miss being able to spend time with him. I lost a part of me the day I lost him.

Happy 7th wedding anniversary, Mike.  I miss you and wish you were here to celebrate. I love you!!!

Happy New Year!

Last year was probably the first time in my entire life I didn't do anything for New Year's. I let M&M stay up late and watch a movie, watched the ball drop in New York on TV, and laid in bed reading a book. That's it.  Each year I'm hopeful the new year will be better than the last and this year is no exception. Good riddance 2015!

Past New Year's memories:

9 years ago:

8 years ago:

7 years ago:

4 years ago:

Last year:

Happy Holidays!

This year we spent a quiet Thanksgiving at home thanks to my injury. I went and tore my ACL and meniscus and had knee surgery on November 11th. Recovery is not going as quickly as I would like.

I think M&M love just spending time at home with me so it all worked out.

A lot has changed since 2014:

And even more since 2013:

We also made our annual trip to visit Santa! M&M were less than impressed!

Much like in 2014:

They warmed up to Santa a little when he came to their school:

They did just as good visiting Santa for the first time in 2013:

We also celebrated my 30th birthday, which was also 10 years exactly since I walked in and met Mike for the very first time:

Despite it overall being a terrible day, there were some definite highlights. 

Beautiful gifts to make me smile:

M&M were in their very Christmas program at their school. They sang Jingle Bells and Happy Birthday Jesus! It was sooooo cute!

My best friend also surprised me by coming up here with my mom. Sometimes you just need your girlfriend! 

As the kids get older, 2 is proving to be quite the challenging age. But their zest for life and learning new things is so exciting. It amazes me that I'm the lucky one who gets to be their mom.

The kids were very much in to Christmas this year. The excitement and joy this year was magical really. I loved watching them talk about it and get excited about it and go crazy Christmas morning.

But, for as long as I can remember I had this dream for my family on Christmas morning.  When I was a little girl, we would spend the night Christmas Eve at my grandmother's house, wake up bright and early, the kids sneaking downstairs to get everyone's stockings and see what Santa brought everyone, then climb back in bed and enjoy our goodies. Since then, I've dreamt of my first Christmas with MY family, and MY husband, and MY children doing something similar.  Only, that hasn't and won't happen. I didn't even get one single Christmas with my family. It devastates me that my children have been robbed of the joy of spending their Christmas with both of their parents and with that, that I lost the excitement and joy I too once felt around Christmas. I'm thankful I have these two beautiful children to call me mom, who love me more than anyone else, and I get to share new and exciting memories with, even if they weren't the way I planned. 

Happy 30th birthday, Mike!

Today would have been my husband's 30th birthday. 30. Mike was so full of life. He rarely let things get to him. He was the life of the party. He could make anyone laugh. Everyone liked him. I don't know anyone who didn't.  He was friendly, sociable, and entertaining.  He loved with his whole self. You couldn't embarrass him because he just joined in. 

I miss him so much.  I'm so sad. This isn't the life I wanted for us. For him. For me. For our children. I celebrated my husbands 30th birthday, a huge milestone to be celebrated, and I celebrated at a cemetery. Life just is too short and unfair.

Happy birthday, Michael. You are so loved and missed. Every single day. ❤️ 

2 years

2 years ago, my life came to a screeching halt.

2 years ago, I put Madison to sleep while Mike rocked Michael to sleep. We climbed in to bed.  Together.  He wrapped his arm around me and I fell asleep on his chest.  In that moment, while sheer exhaustion was setting in (thanks to our 4 month old children), I thought our life was starting over.  I thought we were in a place where we were finding our new groove, our new normal.  M&M turned our life upside down.  No amount of preparation could prepare you for life with two newborns.  2 kids not sleeping with reflux were soooo hard.  We weren't sleeping.  Marriage was hard. Life was hard. But.. it was getting there again.

Then my entire world came crashing down.

It's been 2 years and I still can visualize him walking out of my house with EMS. I can still feel the last time he wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me before he left.  But, I can also still see him with all of the tubes and machines in the ER.  The doctor on top of him doing CPR.  His body feeling soooo cold after he was gone.  Laying on his chest in the hospital.  Holding his hand at the viewing and not wanting to leave.  Feeling like I was going to collapse on the ground at the graveside before they put his casket in the ground, but feeling my dad and uncle grab me and put me back in the chair.

I miss him so much.  I miss his smile.  I miss his laugh. I miss his infectious personality.  I miss how he could make friends with anybody.  I miss how loving and affectionate he was.  After a long and stressful day it used to drive me nuts that he always wanted to wrap those super long arms around me, then in an attempt to make me laugh, he would refuse to let me go.  Oh, what I wouldn't give for him to do that right now.  Just one more time.

I thought I had found my happily ever after.  I thought I had everything I had ever wanted or needed.  And then in an instant... it's gone.

2 years ago, I felt pain, confusion, shock, fear, loneliness, and complete emptiness.  Now, 2 years later, there are STILL days I feel all of those things.  Today, especially.

I miss you, Mike.  Every.Single.Day.  Life is so lonely without you.  I'm so sad Michael and Madison will never know and love you the way I do, that they will never know the joy you brought to life, that they will never get to see and feel just how much you loved them.

I love you more than the world, Michael, and I always will.  I hope you're proud of me, the mother I am to our children and of the life decisions I've had to make without you.  It would be so much easier with you.

What if?

Spending a lot of time stuck in "what if" mode today.  3 years ago today was a bittersweet day for Mike and I.  I took the day off and had no intentions of doing anything but lying in bed sulking and watching trashy tv. Perhaps with a gallon of ice cream. Because ice cream makes everything better, right? September 24, 2012 was supposed to be our first baby's due date. We were supposed to be having a baby and happy and everything exciting that comes with being new parents.  Unfortunately, in February earlier that year, those dreams were stripped from us when we had a miscarriage.  

I've said many times I've listed to our Pastor preach and one of the sermons that has always stuck out to me the most was the one where he said "God's not saying 'no.' He's just saying 'Not right now'". That never rang truer for me when I woke up on that morning. I decided to terrorize myself and go ahead and take a pregnancy test. I just knew it was going to be negative.  But, at least then I would know, and I could go on with my day pouting.  Real optimistic I am, right??

So, I took that pregnancy test. And it wasn't negative. It very quickly said PREGNANT!  I couldn't believe it. I ranged from shocked, to disbelief, to happy, to crying, to running and jumping on my husband screaming and waking him up.

Bittersweet, right?

Today, as we are approaching the two year anniversary of Mike's death, I keep thinking "what if"?

What if I hadn't miscarried the first baby?  What if on the 24th, I actually did have that baby.  Just one baby, not twins.  We were in a different place then.  We had different jobs then. Our relationship was in a different place.  Having one baby would have been easier. Still hard, but easier. Would Mike at least have got to spend all of the firsts with our child then?  Would we even have had M&M?  Would Mike still be alive? So many "what ifs".

Really struggling with the "why me"?  I know God is faithful. I know his plan is far greater than any plan I continue to try and make for myself, but dang it, if he could give me a glimpse, that'd be great.