Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the man who made me a mother.  Who helped me bring two amazing kids in to this world.  To the only man who's ever called me his bride.  

I love you so much, Mike.  I miss you terribly and wish you were here.  

It never ends

Grief, that is.  It never ends. It gets better.  It may even get better most days, but it never, ever ends.  Life has been a roller coaster the past few months.  A very fast, quick turning, high drop, not fun roller coaster. Let's recap the past few months, shall we?

September 2016: 
1. Closed and bought a brand new home in the Houston area.
2.  Honored Mike as we remembered his last days of life 3 years ago.

October 2016:  
1.My sweet Freddy took his last breath.
2. "Celebrated" what would have been Mike's 31st birthday.

November 2016: 
1. I got a promotion and new job in Harris County, one of the largest counties in Texas.
2. Thanksgiving
3. Both kids end up with Hand, Foot, Mouth. MISERABLE.

December 2016:
1. Fought with the school district and learned that they weren't going to honor the evaluations completed in Austin.
2. Christmas.  Need I say more?

January 2017:
1. M&M started a new preschool I thought was going to be an awesome fit for them.
2. Madison had surgery to put tubes in her ears and her adenoids out
3. M&M started speech at the public school, in services that didn't meet their needs

February 2017:
1. M&M got kicked out of the preschool they started the month prior leaving me with essentially no options for another school.  Ever want to know where NOT to go?  This place is at the top of my list.
2. Public School speech therapist recognizes the services for Madison are not sufficient enough.  Have an ARD where they continue to not meet her needs and initially deny my request for a new evaluation.

March 2017:
1. My insurance denies coverage of Michael's medication. Ya know.. his heart medication..that he needs to prevent his aorta from increasing.
2.  I'm notified by M&M's therapists that my insurance may be denying coverage for them to continue in therapy services after the middle of April. Fought insurance for weeks to deal with both issues.
3. M&M see a developmental pediatrician.  She is FABULOUS. Learn Madison is being diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.  Explains all of her delays and especially her tight muscles and tip toe walking.  4. Notify public school of new diagnosis, provide them with the evaluation done by the developmental pediatrician, and request an ARD meeting to discuss. My request is denied pending the evaluation they had yet to complete.
5. I "celebrate" my 8th wedding anniversary. My 3rd anniversary all by myself.  :(
6.  Raised over $4400 for the Houston Walk for Victory for the Marfan Foundation- AMAZING!

April 2017:
1. Start advocating and contacting everyone I can regarding special education at the public school.  After talking to several people, realize I am right and need to escalate my concerns.  Notify Director of Special Education of my concerns.
2. Start working with the Lead Diagnostician to have my concerns addressed.
3. OT Evaluation is finally completed, literally the day it's due.  I don't receive the report for a week, but it recommended services, just as I expected.
4. I agree to have Madison have a full reevaluation.

May 2017:
1. M&M turn 4- how did that happen?!?!
2. M&M have hippotherapy evaluations to start services. I also write a letter asking for a scholarship to cover a portion of the cost.  I poured my heart out and shared our grief.
3. Madison is reevaluated at the school district by the Lead Diagnostician.
4. FINALLY. Almost 5 months of fighting, my daughter gets the services she needs and will start out at the public school 5 days a week for the next school year.  Both my kids will be in school 5 days a week starting in August.  YES!

June 2017:
1. Beach trip!
2. M&M start hippotherapy. So fun!
3. I find out we received the scholarship for therapy and they will cover HALF the cost. Shocked and so grateful!
4. Going on visit #5 at the orthotics place and we STILL haven't got Madison's new braces fitting correctly.  Yet another pair has been ordered and we will see in 2 weeks if those work.
5. I have 3 days to make a decision regarding something with my career and no clue what to do.

I'm so exhausted, y'all.  Mentally and emotionally completely drained.  Yes, there's been some fun, exciting, and really amazing things to have occurred the last 10 months, but there's been more exhausting, draining, and frustrating things than good.  Not to mention, M&M are 4. This age is proving to be just as not fun as 3. Sure they have their moments, but 4 year olds are opinionated, defiant, and verrrrry strong willed.  It's not easy!!

Every Friday, at the end of a long week is SO, SO, SOOOOO hard.  Friday nights used to be date night with Mike.  Even after M&M were born, we still spent several Friday's at dinner.  No cooking, unwinding after a long week, reconnecting and relaxing, and preparing for our weekend.  I don't have that anymore.  In fact, there's pretty much nothing relaxing about Fridays or the weekends anymore.  Most importantly, it's incredibly lonely. Every year since Mike died, it seems i lose more and more friends. People I thought would be there forever are pretty nonexistent or I'm excluded.  I miss Mike's outgoing personality.  He pulled people out of their comfort zones to make sure we stayed connected.  Most people aren't like that, me included.  So, instead, I just lose everyone that was once important to us.  There's people I hoped would be around to share stories of Mike with my children that won't be.  Life is hard.  Grief is hard.  Missing your husband is hard.  Raising two 4 year olds alone, trying to juggle a full time job, deal with all of the medical issues the kids have, and try and keep other people happy... it's hard.

I started this blog as an outlet to share my feelings and hoped that in some way, maybe some other young widow would read this blog and get some sort of comfort out of knowing they are not alone in their feelings.  So, if you're a young widow and reading this and struggling... know you're not alone.

My Loyal Companion

Freddy, my sweet, sweet baby boy.  10 years you've been in my life and today was the final day.  My heart is broken in to a million pieces.  I've watched you suffer for 2 days and knew it was time but that didn't make it any easier.  I needed your daddy today.  I've never felt more alone than I did today as I held you as you took your last breath.  No amount of explanation they gave me prepared me for that moment.

You have been such a good, good boy, Freddy.  You've got me through many tearful nights, many laughs, and just life in general.  I got you in June 2006.  Funny enough, your daddy and I had broke up for a short period of time and I didn't need no man! I was getting a dog!  And I got you.  Oh what a lucky, lucky girl I was to have you.  When your daddy started talking to me again, I told my roommate that if you didn't like him- he had to go!  But you looooved him.  Loved him.  You were such a daddy's boy.  I remember that night how you would keep stealing his baseball cap and it became a game to take it and run.  We laughed so hard that night.

There was a day, not long after I got you, that I lost you.  I went out with friends and when I came back you were gone.  I still have suspicions of what happened that night but it was devastating for me.  I looked all over for you and couldn't find you.  I called you and you never came.  I posted a cash reward, no questions asked, and thankfully they gave you back to me.  I was so scared.  I loved you so much already and I had only had you for like a month.

A year after you came home, we brought home your brother.  The very first night you and Chester got in to a huge fight where I got bit.  You had to show him that you were in charge and after that it was like you belonged together.  You've spent the last 9 years together and you would never know that you both came from different homes originally.  When I brought you home Sunday, Chester was so excited, his whole butt was wagging, not just his tail.  This morning, when you were having a rough time, I'm not sure if you know it but Chester came and laid down besides you.  I think he knew how sick you were.  When I came home today without you, he looked crushed.  He sniffed me, jumped on me, then walked away and laid down. I'm certain he knew in that moment that you weren't coming home.  It completely broke my heart.  Of course, he has Colt, but nothing compares to yours and Chester's bond. 

I have so many fond memories of you that I will cherish for the rest of my life- Like the first time you saw Texas Snow:

And the first time you met Santa Clause:

And when we brought home those 2 noisy, squeaky, things we called babies.

I hope you felt like you had a life well lived.  I hope you know how much I loved you.  I hope you know how much you meant to me.  I hope you know how much love you brought to my life.  I miss you so much already and I can only hope that your daddy was there in heaven waiting to meet you and hold you.  I love you my Freddy boy.   You will be missed.

3 years

3 years. 36 months.  156 weeks.  1095 days.   That's how long I've been living this life without you.  My whole heart ACHES today.  I have a million reasons to be happy and nothing changes the literal ache in my chest.  It came at me like I've been punched in the gut.  I was fine and then the tears started and never stopped.  I'm SO angry and SO sad.  I MISS HIM SO DAMN MUCH.  Nights are the worst.  What do you do to fill the void of climbing in to an empty bed.  One that you used to climb in to at the end of every day and talk to your husband about what went on that day, and plan your weekend, and talk about our life and where we are going, and share our hearts with each other.  3 days or 3 years.

As I'm unpacking I came across the infamous Mother's Day card.  The one and only one I ever got that says "Once upon a time on a day that looked like any other day, someone like no one else came along and made life into something that would never be the same... That's you.  That's my life.  That's why you'll always be the only one for me.  Happy Mother's Day to the woman of my dreams."

How did we get from there. From THAT.  To losing him just 4 months later.  HOW?!  WHY!?

I've typed a million things tonight and deleted them all. I don't even know what to say and feel like a rambling mess.  I miss him.  I'm tired of replaying in my mind everything that happened that night.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm just tired.  Tired.  Beyond Tired.  Beyond Tired.

Mike- I want you to know that I love you.  I'm doing the best I can.  M&M know you from a picture and I'll always make sure they know how much you loved them. I hope you're not disappointed. I love you more than the world, honey.

I'll leave you with some pictures that made me smile.  He always could make me smile.

Big Day

Today was a big day. Today I walked out of my first home I ever owned and closed the front door for the final time. I have so many emotions playing out but I think I'm just sad.  Sad of what was and won't ever be.  Missing Mike tremendously and feeling so alone.  Remembering the very last time I saw him walk out that door.  Thinking he would be ok.  Thinking the doctor's would take care of him and never even imagining  that he wouldn't be alive when I got to the hospital. It hurts.  My heart hurts and aches for him.  This was our family home and today I said goodbye for the final time.

But, while I'm aching for what used to be, I have started a new chapter and I'm feeling good about it.  Still scared of the future and if I'm making the right decisions and always thinking, "What would Mike do?" We moved to Houston.  Been here for about a month and a half now.  I've been painfully looking for a new home and wasn't finding anything.  Just when I was starting to think I had made a huge mistake by moving and was trying to back track, God provided, yet again, and in a HUGE way.  I found this home:

It's GORGEOUS inside.  It's literally as close to my dream home as I'm ever going to get on one income.  It overwhelms me with how much I'm in love with it! I'm currently under contract, the inspection completed- repairs requested and he agreed, and now just waiting for the financing to all be completed.  It's nerve-wracking for sure, but I love this house sooooo much!!

So...here we are.  30 years old.  2 beautiful, amazing, three year old kids.  A new city.  Soon to be new home.  A new job-maybe even a newer job to come.  Moving forward and starting fresh.  Here's to Chapter 2....

Changes

Big, big changes coming in the Shaw house.  

I guess it's official now because I've told my boss and staff.  We are moving to Houston! I start June 27th.  I'll be in the same position I am here, just in Region 06.  So many emotions- excited, scared, sad, angry.  This was definitely a bittersweet decision for me. 

When Mike and I bought this house 6 years ago, almost to the day, we had such big plans for it and our growing family.  Some of those plans got put in motion and cabinets were added, new appliances, crown molding, etc., but some weren't.  Most importantly, we bought this home with children in mind and a family in mind.  That was cut all too short.  

With that said, I can't live in this house anymore.  When Mike died and I thought I was going to have to sell the house, I was DEVASTATED.  Beyond words.  Then, by the grace of God and all of the support of friends and family, I was able to get by for a few months until I could figure everything out in order to stay in our home.  But, all of the years of laughter and happiness and hopes and dreams have pretty much disappeared.  I still "see" the last place I saw him alive, still see him where everything happened, still see specific memories- happy and sad- of him all through the house and it's just too much.  I feel like I'm stuck in a rut the past 2 years and no matter what I do I can't move forward.  I can't do it anymore.  I used to be happy most of the time, and full of life, and liked to get out and do things, and now I'm isolated... in a house full of crushed dreams.  

I want to be happy again.  I don't know what that looks like anymore.  But, I know I need some major changes in order to take that step in the right direction. So... I move forward.  I'm starting a job in unfamiliar territory.  Moving to a town where I don't know where anything is.  I'm selling the only home M&M have ever known to hopefully build them a better one.  I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, out of the "plans" I've made for my life and letting go.  I'm hoping God catches me and guides me in the right direction so I don't fall. 

Here's to new and exciting adventures in 2016.

Don't blink

Don't blink. Your entire life can change in a matter of minutes. Literally. One minute you can be kissing your husband goodbye fully expecting to see him shortly and the next you can be sitting in a room that feels like a closed in box, being told your husband is "really sick" and "they're working on him" and they're not letting you see him. And when you do... He's not breathing. 

Today should be our 7th wedding anniversary. I vowed to spend the rest of my life with him.  Instead, I've spent the last 3 wedding anniversaries alone. We had big plans for our future. We dreamt of what was to come. We planned out what we wanted. We had JUST started our family together. Everything was taken from me way too soon. 

I miss Mike. I miss his laugh. His uncanny ability to make me smile through anything. Having him to lay with me at night. To hold my hand in the store. Feeling like I always had someone on my side. I miss his smile and hearing his voice. Watching stupid sci-fi shows as I fell asleep and he fought insomnia. His ability to always get the best and most memorable gifts. Going on dates. Trying new things. Most of all, I just miss being able to spend time with him. I lost a part of me the day I lost him.

Happy 7th wedding anniversary, Mike.  I miss you and wish you were here to celebrate. I love you!!!