Texas Bluebonnets

It's pretty much a Texas necessity to take your children out to the biggest field of bluebonnets and take their pictures in it.  Thanks to rain and our schedule, today was the first time I could get out there with them.  So, I took my 23 month olds out.  I can't believe they're about to be 2!!

If you remember, last year, the amazing Lyndsay of Life in Motion photography took their bluebonnet pictures!  Last year, Michael and Madison didn't want to touch the bluebonnets, much less sit in them:

 This year, they just went for it!  Madison was picking them:

 

They watched for airplanes:

They were sweet and held hands:

 

And spent the majority of their time running through the field and laughing and smiling:

 

 

Be still my heart. <3

My 6th anniversary

6 years ago, I was waking up around this time, all by myself.  My bridesmaids were scattered throughout my apartment all sound asleep.  It was like Christmas morning and I couldn't sleep from all of the anticipation and excitement of the day.  Today, I should be celebrating my 6th wedding anniversary with the love of my life.  Instead, I woke up alone and the other side of my bed is cold. So many mixed emotions today and leading up to today.  March has just been an incredibly difficult month.  Just when it seem liked life was starting to look up again, I feel like I'm back to the beginning of moving forward again. I miss him often.  Everything would be so different if he was still here.

When you say your wedding vows and you say "til death do us part", you never really think your other half will die while you're still alive.  I sure as hell didn't.  When I made those vows, I thought I was spending the rest of MY life with him, we would have kids, then grandkids, then great grandkids, then die when we are old and fragile and lived an incredibly long life together.  Instead, I only got 4 short months as parents with him.  No grandkids or great grandkids.  No old and fragile days.  I just got to spend the rest of HIS life with him.  And it was just too damn short. 

Michael Edward, I miss you terribly.  I miss your infectious personality and laugh.  I miss the way I could never be mad long because you would find something to make me smile.  I miss the random gifts you would send me at work to let me know you loved me and were thinking about me.  I miss your long arms that could wrap me up and never let me go.  I miss your fun, playful nature.  I miss our weekend adventures where we tried new things.  But most of all, I just miss sharing a life with you and I'm devastated I'm watching M&M grow up before my very own eyes and you aren't here to share in everything with me.  I love you.  Happy Anniversary, honey.

St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I can't say that I've always been much of a celebrator of this day other than to wear a traditional green shirt.  Probably my most favorite pic of Mike and I EVER taken was taken on St. Patrick's Day in 2007.  It was a fun, fun night had by all!

It was also amazing to look at pictures of M&M last year and compare them to this year.  It's so hard to believe how fast they grow, and they're 22 months now! 

 I'm so blessed to be their mom!

{March 2014}

{March 2014}

 

{March 2015}

{March 2015}

On the flip side, for the past 6 years, this day has been bittersweet.  6 years ago, the week before I was to get married, I got the call that my grandpa lost his battle with cancer.  This was a man that supported me in every situation, encouraged me to fight for what I believe in, to work hard in all circumstances, to love with all of my heart, to go for my hopes and dreams against all odds, and was truly my number one fan.  I miss him terribly.  I wish he was here to see where I am in life, would have been here to meet Michael and Madison, to have been here to help me keep my head up when I lost Mike, and to be here now to help me get through some pretty dark days.  Even more so, I wish he was here to make my Grandma smile and laugh in a way only he could.  I can only hope that I find someone that's at least half the man he was to share mine and M&M's life with.

{my 21st birthday, December 2006}

{college graduation May 2008}

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!  Hope you all had a day filled with love. Happy Valentine's from my littlest Valentine's! 21 months old and really love their teddy bears.

9 months old, last year, 2014

 

5 years ago

7 years ago

As I spent some of yesterday thinking about Valentine's days in the past and looking for some pictures, I realized that I think I fell in love with Mike on Valentine's day in 2006. We hadn't been dating all that long. I had school, then work, and he worked for his dad.  I was at his apartment practically every single day so after work I would come home to  him.  Only this time, when I walked in the door there were rose petals sprinkled from the door, to the table, and in to the bathroom.  He made a homemade meal that consisted of grilled chicken, frozen broccoli and cheese, and a salad with homemade croutons (yes... homemade!)  Then, in the bathroom was rose petals and candles around the bathtub and wine.  He knew it had been a rough week and the best way I liked to unwind was soaking in a hot bath.  It wasn't that it was Valentine's day that made the day special and memorable.  It was that he went above and beyond to make me feel special.  He shared an apartment with 2 other guys and he still turned his apartment in to a romantic night for two.  A guy who, when I met him, was making canned Hormel meats for dinner at night ended up making a real meal all on his own (with a few hundred calls to his mom, ha!).  Who knew it was a rough week and centered the night around me and things I liked.  It's been so long, maybe I'm wrong, but I think that's the night I fell in love with him.  Life can change in an instant, some for worse, some for much, much better!

My littlest loves

Last month we had photos done with Little Sprouts Photography, the same amazing photographer that did M&M's newborn photos.  We literally have been trying to schedule these pictures for months and it finally occurred.  I love them! 

This is my absolute favorite of the three of us:

 She captured Madison's free spirited, inquisitive, determined, cautious personality so very well:

While at the same time, captured Michael's fun, bubbly, confident, infectious personality:

 

These two light up my life in ways I never knew 

becoming a mother could do.

What they don't tell you

When I first started writing here, it was simply an "out".  A way to release the overwhelming emotions of the roller coaster of grief I was experiencing, when I felt like my friends and family were tired of hearing about it over and over and over again.  Lately, there are waaaaay more high days than low days and I just don't have much to say about grief. This has simply become a way to share updates on my beautiful children and many, many memories

But, the reality is, I don't think that roller coaster ever ends.  I think it slows down and a lot of days it flat lines and you forget you're even on it.  Everyone tells you about the stages of grief and what you're feeling is "normal" and blah, blah, blah.  What they don't tell you is the stages are never ending, they don't go in order, and just because you went through them once doesn't mean they won't come back around.  Grief comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks.  It often makes me take a step back and a deep breath to refocus.

It comes when you go down the Seasonal aisle at Target and see Cadbury eggs, Mike's absolute favorite candy ever, and you're reminded about how you used to have to buy them and hide them so he didn't eat them all at once.

It comes when your 20 month old son is naming people in the house (Mommy- me, Mawmaw- Grandma, Dog- Colt,) and then he points to the picture of Mike and says "Daddy".  And then he does it 3 more times. The only "daddy" your son knows is a picture.

It comes when you're making homemade banana bread and then you realize that the last time you made banana bread was the night Mike died.

It comes without warning and when you least expect, no matter how happy you are. No one ever tells you that...

20 Months

M&M turned 20 months old on January 9th.  They;re getting big enough that I won't be able to provide their age in terms of months anymore!!  Flashing back to 2 years prior, Mike and I had just found out that we were going to have both a little girl and little boy at my anatomy scan!

How did we go from itty bitty babies that those pajamas in the picture would be too big for them when they were born.... to 2 years later, two 20 month old babies...er...toddlers with their own opinions and personalities.  Watching them grow is an internal struggle.  On one hand I need time to slow down so I can hold them just a little longer.  Madison isn't going to climb in to my lap, wrap her little arms all the way around my neck, and squeeze as tight as she can forever.  Michael isn't going to want me to turn on music, hold him, while we dance around the living room- and cry if you stop too soon- forever.  These are moments I never, ever, want to end.  But then, they say a new word for the first time, they love on each other, they want to help you by sweeping, throwing trash away, put up the groceries, let the dogs out, and they clap when they do something new or good that they're proud of.  Those moments make me encourage them, guide them, and get excited that they're learning and dream about their future and how they can do anything they want to do.  Hold still my heart, they aren't this little forever.  <3