5 Years

Today is supposed to be my 5th wedding anniversary with Mike.  5 years ago today I was probably the calmest I have ever been in my life.  I just knew everything was going to go right.  I knew that my handsome prince charming was going to be waiting for me at the end of the aisle and we were going to live happily ever after. I was THAT little girl.  The one that dreamed about her wedding day.  Envisioned every detail.  Planned everything to a T.

Then right before I walked down the aisle, I started to have a panic attack.  Both my dads told me they would carry me out and it was too late for me to freak out.  

We read our vows.  Oh... our vows.  I had no idea how hard marriage was.  I had no idea that in our first year of marriage we would test "in sickness and in health" when Mike had open heart surgery the month before our first anniversary.  I had no idea that no matter how much you love someone, there will still be an "or worse" part of your marriage and how hard that is when you are going through it..  But most importantly, I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that I would be here, now, at 28, and already experienced the "til death do us part" portion of my vows.  I stood there on that day and had hopes, dreams, and a vision for our future.  It included having babies, growing old together, spending the rest of our lives together, and dying at an old, old age as grandparents.  How am I supposed to have my 5th wedding anniversary and already experienced "til death do us part".  We were supposed to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary!!  We are soo far from that.    There are NO words to describe how I feel today.

I still remember so many details of our wedding, even 5 years later.  I remember our first kiss as husband and wife. I remember how giddy I felt.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  It felt like we had just met! And to walk down the aisle with him.. he was MY husband.  MINE.  I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with him!  I felt like the luckiest girl in the world!

Our day was everything I ever imagined it would be and more.  We were SO HAPPY.  Nothing else compares.

Four and a half years wasn't enough.  It was NOT enough.  In the eight years we were together we had some really, really bad times.  But in 8 years.. we had more really, REALLY good times and the good FAR outweighed the bad.  I made some pretty incredible friends because of Mike.  I found my church family because of Mike.  I have a beautiful home because of Mike.  I am still in and have a good job because Mike believed in me, pushed me to work hard, and supported me when he didn't have to.  Mike made me laugh like no one else could.  He made me want to be a better person.

I miss his laugh.  I miss him picking on me.  I miss hearing him call me his Bride, even years after we got married. I miss his incredibly long arms sneaking up behind me and holding me so tight I can't move.  I miss going to the grocery store and him trying to sneak in Little Debbie's snacks. in my grocery cart.  I miss someone checking in on me all day asking me how my day is and the random "I love you" text messages.  I miss the random "I love you" messages I found all over my house or the sweet little gifts he would get just to let me know he was thinking about me or even him just walking in the door with a sweet tea because he knew how much I loved it. I miss having to pick up his clothes all over the house because he took them off every where and they never ended up in the clothes basket!  Ok... maybe I don't miss that, but I miss picking on him about it!  I miss just hearing his voice.  I miss watching him with the kids.  I miss watching him smile when they did something cute and I wish more than anything that I could have seen his face the first time his children said 'dada'.  Oh gosh, I really wish I could've seen it.  I imagine it would have been as exciting as his face when Madison took his credit card from him and wouldn't give it back:

Michael Edward Shaw- I love you so incredibly much.  I always have and I always will.  The last 6 months have been so far from the life I dreamed of that I can't even put it in to words.  I didn't know what love was until I met you.  Thank you for choosing me to be your wife.  For choosing me to be the person you would literally spend the rest of your life with.  For choosing me to be the mother of your children and blessing me with two gorgeous children that remind me so much of you.  Thank you for choosing, in some of the most difficult situations, to choose joy.  For showing me how to live life to the fullest despite being in constant pain. I am eternally grateful for you.  I love and miss you more than any words I could write.  Happy 5th Anniversary baby. I love you.

10 Months!

My sweet babies turned 10 months old on March 10th and they celebrated their first St. Patrick's day!  They get more and more adorable by the day.  Watching them explore and learn new things is quite frankly the highlight of all of my life.  I think it's safe to say that the two of them are my greatest accomplishment.  I'm so blessed to be their mom.

This month my Miss Madison is really starting to get around.  She doesn't crawl a 'normal' crawl but nothing stops her.  If she wants something she goes for it.  She will keep head butting something until she figures out how to get her hands out to start pulling up.  She has starting pulling up on things and can get up on her knees but not quite on her feet yet.  When she is standing, holding something, if she goes to fall, she falls straight back like a board.  It doesn't matter if you catch her or not, that completely breaks her heart!  She has this super sad cry like her feelings are hurt that she fell down.  I know it shouldn't be cute when your kid cries, but I can't help but giggle.  She's absolutely precious!!

 

Michael continues to get in to every.thing.  He is everywhere at all times.  He can beat you to any room in the house, especially if you blink for even a half of a second.  Still isn't completely walking on his own but he will take a few steps and sit down.  It's like he knows what he is doing, gets scared, and immediately sits on his butt.  He can climb on everything.  The other day he climbed on top of his activity table for no good reason.  He has also pushed a box over tot he catch in an effort to climb on the couch.  My mom makes a joke that if I can't find him then look on the roof.  That's no joke.  He is a busy, very determined, strong willed little boy and I LOVE it. 

Together, they are priceless.  They hold each other's hands, hug each other, go towards one another when one is crying, immediately look for their sibling when waking up from a nap/bedtime.  They ADORE each other.  I love the strong bond they already have with each other.  I can only hope they will continue a close relationship for the rest of their lives.  

I thank God every day that these two are taken care of and that I was chosen to be their mom.  They give me something to live for, something worth fighting for.  I can't give up, I can't just stop functioning, I can't just lock myself in my room and hide and not face reality because I have them. And they need me.  I love being their mom. 

 

Slacker- oops!

Yep.  I knew there would come a time I would slack off and not get anything wrote. ;) Not for lack of not having anything to say, just sheer busyness. 

M&M turned 10 months old yesterday.  Stay tuned for their monthly update.

In the last month of my absence, I've survived a lot.  I survived Valentine's day.  The first one I've spent alone in 8 years.  Mike's dad came and got me from work and took me to a sweet and yummy lunch at Main Street Grille in Round Rock.  I was surprised as how emotional I was on Valentine's day.  Such a silly holiday, yet I could recall details of almost every single Valentine's day for the last 8 years.

I survived the "anniversary" of our first miscarriage.  I quote it because it certainly wasn't an anniversary to celebrate.  Last year was easier because we had M&M that we were preparing for and we had already hit viability so I felt confident I would finally be bringing a baby (2 babies!) in to the world finally.  But this year, I had those 2 babies, and even though I feel incredibly blessed, I still felt incredibly jipped.  Jipped that this year, not only did I mourn the loss of a baby that was so desperately wanted, I also had to mourn the loss of my husband not being here on this day with me.  It didn't help that I still have Mike's phone activated and the calendar on his phone had a calendar reminder to send me flowers on this day.  On the flip side, I survived this day.  I didn't hardly shed a tear.  Someone shared with me not long after Mike died that now, with him gone, my baby finally had someone in heaven just for her.  So, I chose joy on this day.  I chose to believe that my sweet baby was running around with her daddy, who was pain free, and that they are happy beyond compare.  And that's what helped me survive that day.

I survived the 4 year anniversary of Mike's heart surgery.  It was hard knowing that 4 years ago I was seeing him in the hospital, spending a week in ICU by his side, praying he would be ok, and he was.  That next year was a battle, but he got better.  Then, here I sat, 4 years later, and what inevitably caused his death, was his heart.  How was it that something we worked so long on getting repaired ended up being the one thing that failed him?  Another topic for another day I suppose.

And lastly, this past weekend, I survived a family trip with Mike's family.  Without Mike.  Don't get me wrong, I love Mike's family.  But this weekend, it was the longest trip M&M had been on (6 hour drive to Lubbock), the first trip with Mike's family anywhere besides out to eat without Mike, and the first time I have seen Mike's extended family since his funeral.  And you know what?  It was OK.  I managed.  A few tears were certainly shed, but I survived.  And smiled.  And we were ok. 

Someone shared this on facebook:

 It resonated so loudly with me.  I consistently tell myself that there HAS to be a plan FAR GREATER than any plan I could dream of myself because NO WAY that God would possibly have allowed this to happen if there wasn't something better about to happen in my life.  I'm going to win.  I AM going to survive this.

9 months old!

My sweet Valentine's turned 9 months old this month.  I can hardly believe it!

Michael is getting in to EVERYTHING. Literally.  He goes crazy in his walker.  He can now climb OUT of his walker and can almost climb BACK in to his walker.  He's a wild one, that kid.  He is such an explorer.  He wants to know how everything works.  He tries and tries and tries again to get whatever he wants and never gives up.  I love that about him.  So determined. I can future conversations about his determination and strong will and just being so proud of him.  I love him so much.  Michael weighs 21lb 4oz and is 29 1/4in long.

Madison is such a fiesty little one.  I LOVE it.  She lets her presence be known. She smiles at everything.  She doesn't crawl and get around quite like her brother- she's more of an observer.  She watches and watches and then sneaks up on you and does it.  She walks around in her walker like a ballerina.  I can see future evenings where we dance around the kitchen, smiling and laughing.  I love her so much.  Most newsworthy news.... she started saying "dada".  My heart melts every time she says it.  I know her daddy is smiling in heaven. Madison weighs 23lb 2oz and is 28in long.

Celebrating M&M is such a blessing and yet makes me miss their daddy so much.  This is the time where they are getting fun and exciting and learning new things and it would be incredibly awesome to share this with Mike.  I'm sure he is watching from above but oh what I wouldn't give for one of his great big hugs where he tells me how happy he is and how much he loves me.  I miss him so much. 

Road Trip Success

M&M took our first road trip alone this weekend.  We drove to my parents for the weekend to celebrate my best friend and her new home for a housewarming party.  After several comments have been made to me in the last few weeks that I felt were implying I was incapable of making this trip alone (I'm still grumpy, but I digress...), I'm super happy with how our trip went. We took a pre-trip picture and think we look pretty good if I do say so myself!

Preparing was quite the adventure.  I started making a list about a week and a half before hand.  Rule #1... make sure you make a list for momma too, not just kids.  I'm the only one that forgot anything! Let me also say, that packing for not one but TWO babies was just crazytown.  2 pack n plays, 2 booster seats, 2 walkers, clothes for 2, food for 2... I could keep going.  It was a ton of stuff!  Here was our Tahoe packed to the brim:

It was absolutely worth it, though.  I so needed this trip out of town to spend time with my friends and family.  A ton of people came over to see M&M at my mom's house and they were spoiled rotten.  Plus, I got a good ol' night out with my BFF.  That's just good for the soul.  Overall, I'm just feeling extremely blessed right now. Thank you Jesus for continuing to bless me as I go through some of the most difficult days in my life. 

Dissappointing

That moment when you realize that no matter how hard you try or what you do, life will continue to be different and disappointing.  The relationships with people, how you communicate with people, all of that will always be different and at times disappointing.  There are people in my life now who came in to my life only because of my husband.  Otherwise, I wouldn't know them.  They will forever be in my life now.  That's not a bad thing, it's just different without him.  Not only different, but at times disappointing.  I'm surprised by how many people I feel disappointed by.  People who didn't live up to the expectations that I set.  That's of course by no fault of theirs, it's all on me.  I set expectations for people to meet, yet, I didn't tell them about it.  I haven't told people what I need.  I haven't stood up for myself when I have felt beat down.  I've just taken everything as it has come with no recourse.  That's no ones fault but my own. 

It's also disappointing that I thought some of these relationships could continue on just as they had before, minus Mike of course.  I expected and had hoped that no matter what, nothing would change these relationships but I'm learning these last few weeks that these relationships will continue to change and can't possibly be the same.  I don't know how to be ok with that yet.  I'm just left feeling disappointed and sad.  I think I'm most sad that in my head I have started making "plans" for my future.  Plans where I tell myself what my hopes and dreams are for the future of Madison, Michael, and myself.  But, I have no idea why I'm doing that.  I know that everything is in God's hands.  He decides my fate for the future.  He is the one who guides me in the direction my life is supposed to go.  So, if I know that, how am I already disappointing myself by failing at my own plans?

8 months old

This is a little late....hey, we're busy.  But, my sweet little messes turned 8 months old this month.  Where did my babies go?!  Mike would be so proud of their outfit this month! 

 

Madison is laid back and happy most of the time.  She refuses to crawl, although she is very capable.  She scoots and flings herself forward if she really wants something.  Maybe we just haven't figured out how to motivate her yet.  She loooves to eat.  So far, she will eat anything you give her.  Her favorite is anything you are eating or drinking.  She is capable of sleeping through the night but has been deciding to be inconsistent lately and won't.  She sleeps a few hours at a time but that's it.  She loves to be up in her walker or Exersaucer.  She is an observer.  She watches others before she does anything.  She also has a feisty side.  When she is getting frustrated she lets out this loud shriek that makes her brother cry.  :)

 

 

Michael is certainly my high maintenance child (just like his daddy!).  He is on the go everywhere and is soooo fast.  He constantly wants to be moving and can't stand being put.  He literally runs when in his walker.  I'm certain he is going to walk before his first birthday.  I'm pretty sure his first words are "get you".  We are constantly telling him "I'm going to get you" or chasing the dogs and saying it.  So now, when he takes off crawling real fast, he squeaks out something that sounds a heck of a lot like "get you".  He loves eating and his favorite things are Gerber Puffs.  He's addicted, I'm sure of it!  This child has never slept since he came out.  Now he has decided he is anti bed and doesn't want to sleep at all.  I have no idea how this child can function on so little sleep.  Despite lack of sleep, he is a very happy boy.  He laughs and smiles constantly.  He picks up on everything quickly and is extremely determined.  He wants to touch everything, take it apart, and find out how it works.  He is going to be a very determined little boy. 

 

These sweet angels love each other so much.  They give each other a hug and get upset when the other is sad.  Madison is the loving one and constantly wants to hold his hand/arm or rub his cheeks, especially when he is sad.  Michael, on the other hand, he climbs all over her and never leaves her bow in her hair!  I think they are going to grow up to be the best of friends.  I'm so blessed God chose me to be their mommy.